Eagles, Chip Kelly Trades Nick Foles to St. Louis Rams for Mystery Bag

In his first season as acting general manager, Eagles coach Chip Kelly has filled his quota for strange moves. First he traded LeSean McCoy then followed it up with not publicly executing Bradley Fletcher. His latest move might be the strangest as he has apparently sent quarterback Nick Foles to the St. Louis Rams for a mystery bag.

“What’s in the mystery bag?” Kelly asked in rhetorical fashion. “It could be anything. That’s what makes the choice so much fun! Yooo Philly!”

The decision to go with an unknown over Foles does not sit well with many fans. They would have rather failed with Foles than open up the mystery bag and find a carrot inside – which by the way, Vegas has as the odds on favorite to be inside due to its smell and carrot-like shape.

Foles is out and the mystery bag is in. For Kelly’s sake, he better hope it’s a quarterback, running back, or a defensive player at any position. You know, the positions they need to improve at.

Eagles Interested in Child’s Runny Nose at Quarterback in 2015

If the Eagles can’t get Marcus Mariota, the next best option might be the runny nose of first grader Alex Hallowell whose recent cold has given him a dribble of snot that would look ideal in the proposed Chip Kelly Offense.

“For a Chip Kelly Offense to run efficiently, Chip Kelly needs a running quarterback,” said Chip Kelly.

At the NFL combine, the snot ran out of little Alex’s nose at a 4.2 rate. This is faster than most quarterbacks which is why the Eagles are favoring the boogery nose over Nick Foles or Mark Sanchez.

When asked how it feels to have his cold considered for starting Eagles QB, little Alex told reports, “I like coloring. Blue is favorite.”

Finally, the Eagles have some intelligence behind center.

Nick Foles Stays in the Pocket Too Long – Arrested For Public Masturbation

Eagles’ quarterback Nick Foles was arrested late last night after witnesses noticed he was staying in the pocket for far too long. Quickly it became evident from his lack of movement that he was looking for a sack. When approached by police officers, they realized he found that sack and was masturbating in public.

Up until now Foles has had a squeaky clean image. Now that he’s allegedly cleaning his genitals in public, Eagles fans will have to rethink their opinion of the quarterback.

“I masturbate all of the time so I don’t see what the big deal is,” said everyone.

Foles was released on a bail after signing a couple of autographs and reminding the police officers that he is a public figure: an athlete. They smiled, waved, and sent him on his way. Foles is expected to have to visit a few kids in the hospital as punishment.

Meanwhile, another person was put to death for driving 32MPH in a 25MPH zone.

Mark Sanchez Burns Full-Capacity Puppy Mill to the Ground – Redeems Himself By Eating a Cheesesteak

What could be worse than burning down a building full of puppies? Other than throwing an interception in the fourth quarter when you’re down by less than a touchdown, not much.

The current starting quarterback for the Eagles has done only one of these; so far. The new star in Philadelphia, Mark Sanchez, was spotted carrying gasoline, matches, and ill-intentions near a puppy mill late last night. Video evidence has surfaced that Sanchez was indeed the culprit along with tangible fingerprints and some semen left at the scene. In addition to a taped confession and an admission of guilt on his Twitter, it appears Sanchez is probably guilty.

A crime that would normally send a man to jail, Sanchez will get off this time thanks to going out for a cheesesteak after admitting his crime.

“How can you hate a guy who goes to Geno’s and Pat’s?” said one fat Eagles fan. “The guy’s a legend!”

“We should tear down the Liberty Bell, toss it in the wooter, then put up a statue of Sanchez to replace it!” hollered another equally as fat Eagles fan.

Seeing how much local residents will forgive you for anything if all you do is eat their food, Sanchez is planning a trip to Wawa to get a hoagie.

Meanwhile injured quarterback Nick Foles is cooking at home like some kind of Midwesterner.

On behalf of all of Philadelphia we here at Phalse Philly Sports say–Nick Foles, go back from whence you came!

Mark Sanchez Saves the Day by Playing the Terrible Houston Texans

The Delaware Valley held their breath when quarterback Nick Foles left today’s game. Foles out, there was one less player for them to criticize on a nightly basis. They would have to go back to verbally abusing their families, something that could result in a custody battle if they resume too loudly and let their nosy neighbors hear.

Before the yelling could begin, second-string quarterback Mark Sanchez came into the game. On the first play behind center Sanchez delivered a long first down pass to Jeremy Maclin. Suddenly what appeared to be an upcoming loss turned into a win as the Eagles took the game 31-21.

Not all credit should however go to Sanchez. Todd Herremans and DeMeco Ryans also left the game early and their replacements, an inept Houston Texans team unable to capitalize on this, helped lead the Eagles to victory.

By the way the Texans were playing they definitely were rooting for the Eagles to win. JJ Watt had a good game for the Texans although his surrounding teammates failed to read their jerseys before the game. They appeared to believe they were members of the Eagles and willingly parted to allow LeSean McCoy, James Polk, and Darren Sproles to run right through them.

“It was an absolute team effort out there today,” said Sanchez. “The Texans had the home field advantage yet still came out hungry for a loss. I owe it to them. It’s a shame we can’t play the luckiest 4-5 team in the league every week.”

Speaking of next week, the Eagles will take on the Carolina Panthers on Monday Night Football. Rumored to have a possible clavicle injury with a touch of embarrassment because Sanchez played better than him, it remains unclear whether Foles will be ready to return. The hope is he will at least be available for Yahtzee with his wife during their boring Thursday Game Night.

Today: Nick Foles Will Carry a Map with Him to Avoid Backpedaling

The Eagles announced today that quarterback Nick Foles will indeed be carrying a map with him on the field during the game against the Houston Texans. Foles, a man who has trouble differentiating between his right and his left and forwards and backwards, admitted earlier in the week that sometimes he forgets which direction he’s supposed to take the football.

“I’m really good at running backwards,” Foles said. “Sometimes I get a little too eager to show it off during the game. Then I get lost and totally forget which way we’re supposed to be going. I’m such a bonehead!”

The map, hand-drawn by Coach Chip Kelly himself, will include a football field drawn to scale along with one of those old-timey pirate-looking compasses in the bottom corner just in case Foles needs it.

To further ensure Foles goes in the correct direction, this week at practice the Eagles used tire spikes behind the line of scrimmage. Each time Foles would drop back too far he’d receive a nice cut on his ankles.

“He’s a fast learner,” said Kelly. “He’s also having a lot of trouble walking. Maybe we should slow down these practices.”

Nick Foles Turning Over His Pillows More This Season Than Last

Last year it seemed quarterback Nick Foles was never turning anything over. Friends complained about how overcooked one side of their hamburgers were while the other remained bloody and salmonella soaked. When he caught on fire, Foles wasn’t even able to turn over on the ground to put it out.

This year things have changed. Foles appears to have found a new love-affair with the turnover, most notably turning over his pillows four times per night.

“I like a soft cool pillow,” said Foles. “I’m naturally waking up several times per night anyway. When I do, I turn over my pillow to get a fresh side. It helps me sleep better and we all know how important that is thanks to Coach Kelly.”

The pillow turning for Foles has included fumbling the pillows until they land on the other side and his wife intercepting the duties. Many are concerned about this high number of pillow turnover. If Foles is unable to get comfortable in his own bed at night, how will he handle a serious playoff game?

“I’ll turn things over then,” said Foles in regards to the concerned fans and his playoff prospects.

Assuring us that there’s nothing wrong with all of the pillow turning, Foles appears confident and a little weird-looking.

Eagles Struggling in the Red Zone – Cannot Handle Their Wives’ PMS

One of the many weaknesses for the Eagles this season has been how they have performed in the red zone. A common problem for several seasons under both regimes, it seems as if this team just cannot figure out how to handler their wives’ PMS.

“She cries non-stop,” said Jon Dorenbos when asked about his wife’s PMS. “Whenever I try to long snap her out of it with a hug she tells me not to touch her. I have no clue what I’m supposed to do.”

Even the unmarried players on the team seem to be having the same issues with their girlfriends.

“I can never tackle the issue no matter how hard I try,” said linebacker Casey Matthews. “Whenever my boo is going through PMS she runs all over me!”

Even Nick Foles, who appears to be in a very loving and fresh relationship with his new wife, has admitted things get tough when Aunt Flo comes to visit.

“The pressure is too much to handle for me,” said Foles. “Whenever we enter the red zone, I usually end up throwing words out of bounce. And then she gets pissed at me!”

Since Head Coach Chip Kelly remains unmarried, because he is scared of women and rightfully so, he is unfamiliar with what his players are going through on a four-week basis.

“This is just something they have to deal with,” Kelly said. “This is their problem–period.”

Eagles Sign Dick Moles to Complete “oles” Trifecta

Having Nick Foles and Darren Sproles already on the roster, the Eagles went out seeking help from another “oles” to complete the rhyming trifecta. Earlier today, the team officially signed free agent Dick Moles to complete a trio of exciting offensive players.

Before coming to the Eagles, Dick Moles was very undesirable. Showing up unexpectedly, Dick Moles has a reputation as a selfish player.

Why though, with the team the way it is, would the Eagles go out of their way to add Dick Moles to the locker room when they know the problem Dick Moles can cause?

“Dick moles is great at making it down the field,” said General Manager Howie Roseman. “He’s always near the end zone and in spite of how ugly he is, we think Dick Moles will scare our opponents.”

At his first practice, Coach Chip Kelly urged his team to have as much contact with Dick Moles as possible stating, “I think he might be contagious.”

Desperate for Bigger Offensive Lineman, Eagles Sign All of Your Ex-Girlfriends

Lane Johnson may be back however the Eagles are still desperate to improve their offensive line. In a move that makes perfect sense when you see their size, the Eagles went out and signed all of your ex-girlfriends.

“Dating a fat chick was the best you could ever do,” said General Manager Howie Roseman. “It didn’t work out between you two though, and now they’re playing in the NFL while you’re single and watching the game on TV.”

These husky girls you spent weeks, months, and years exchanging loving text messages and bodily fluids with will be ready to protect Nick Foles like they’re dating him and the defenses are their much more attractive friends who could easily steal him away if only they could get their hands on him.

“Your ex-girlfriends are a great addition to the team,” said Jason Peters. “Also, having them around make me feel a little bit slimmer which is good because these football pants make my ass look huge. Thank goodness the best you could ever do were these girls.