The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.
Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.
As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.
All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.
So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.
Stay in touch.
The NHL’s biggest star, Sidney Crosby, has his own line of commercials set to premiere later this spring when the moon is under Venus and femininity is not bastardized by the media.
Rather than selling injuries while flopping all over the ice, Crosby will pitch his own line of tampons for women – and men who like shoving things up their ass.
“Some people may think I’m selling out bit I’m not,” said Crosby. “I’m just being me and I believe everyone has the right to shove things into their lower extremities in the privacy of their own homes with whatever wayward teen boy they can convince to join them.”
There’s no word yet on what Crosby will do in the commercial, however, several donkeys had their IMDB pages updated to include the string of advertisements.
Just two years ago, Upright Citizens Brigade Theater was mauled by the public for not paying its performers in cash. As they explained, working like a slave in front of shitty sensitive hipster audiences was payment enough.
In 2015 things are worse as several improv artists (lazy writing comedians) have blogged about receiving payment in the form of New York Knicks tickets.
Watching the Knicks play might be the only thing in sports more painful than a 76ers game. The difference is, the Knicks have superstar Carmel Tony while the Sixers are actively cold calling people at random asking if they’d like to play.
“It’s not right,” said performer Francesca Stanton in what appeared to be an unprepared statement in true improvisational form. “I would rather sleep my way to the top in the comedy industry than attend a single Knicks’ game.”
Stanton is currently booked for a European tour along with her overused vagina.
It doesn’t appear like things will change anytime soon for UCB and its tactful methods of subtle slave labor. Performers are not required to accept the Knicks tickets, but in this blame the economy for everything time we live in, they need to think of the economy.
Just one week ago, the Seattle Seahawks lost a heartbreaking Super Bowl game to the New England Patriots. Instead of rewarding the bad guys for victory, most of us are questioning head coach Brian Williams’ decision to pass the ball instead of handing it off to running back Marshawn Lynch.
“As I remember it, I told Russell Wilson to throw the ball” said Williams. “I may have mis-remembered it, but I’m fairly certain I wanted to run the ball up the middle.”
Nobody is quite sure who to believe: Williams’ first memory or his second-guessing.
“What I do know for sure, though, is if I was given the chance to do it all over again I would have made a better attempt and not forgetting what actually happened.”
Teenage depression has reached an all-time high. Can we really blame teens for being so sad with how often XBoxes seem to break? It’s like polio all over again.
No longer are teens the cocky summabitches they used to be. While some experts see this as humility, others suspect the New England Patriots are behind the deflated egos.
In just the last two years teens have been notably less eager to grow up. They’re not working after school and frequently blame something called “the economy” for their lack of income. Similar symptoms have affected people in theirs 20s and 30s as fewer move out from their home because they feel down on themselves.
An NFL investigation, conducted after the fact and at a time where any punishment does not fit the crime appropriately, has concluded that 11 out of 12 teens feel deflated because of the Patriots. Previous propaganda claimed these feelings were due to use of marijuana, however, further research has proven the only side effects of smoking pot us having shitty taste in music and not following through with your promises.
Medical experts recommend teenagers stay away from the Patriots and instead root for a team that plays by the rules – like the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Pittsburgh Penguins’ superstar Sidney Crosby excels at drawing made up penalties. One penalty he is seriously in disagreement with is the too many men on the ice call. According to Crosby, “there can never be enough men on the ice!”
Other penalties Crosby is okay with include holding and high sticking. Crosby had thought it was high dicking, a favorite past time of his anus.
One penalty Crosby would like to see less of is interference. Crosby believes strongly that what one man does to another while he’s biting a pillow is nobody’s business but theirs and the gimp in the other room.
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones rarely leaves the spotlight. Most of this is due to the fact that his night vision is terrible and he needs a heavy spotlight to see the college girl he’s fondling.
Stepping into the spotlight today, Jones announced immediate renovations to the AT&T Stadium – the abomination of a home for the Cowboys – which will allow New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to fit more comfortably inside.
“He’s our good luck charm,” said Jones about Christie. “Like a lucky piece of bacon or an extra snug pair of sweatpants at the big and tall store, I respect Christie and what he brings to the team. It’s important that we make the proper renovations to accommodate his enormous size better..”
Renovations are rumored to cost a hefty some. Done for a hefty man, young Cowboys fans are learning about irony quickly.
Until construction ends, Christie will circle the stadium with a Goodyear logo on his back.