The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.
Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.
As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.
All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.
So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.
Stay in touch.
The Phillies phinally phinalized a phantastic trade today when they sent the universally hated team closer, Carl from The Walking Dead, to the Milwaukee Brewers. Who they got back doesn’t really matter. Carl is gone!
Since signing with the Phillies, Carl has been outspoken about the team’s struggles. He also seems to go missing constantly despite not having any place to wander off to.
“The contract was a mistake,” admitted general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “It’s time we move on and start rebuilding.”
Rumor has it, the much more beloved character from the new Star Wars Trilogy, Jar-Jar Binks, will replace Carl.
Markers across the country are reportedly boycotting their use on the Phillies’ lineup card in 2015. The unionized group of writing utensils feels they’d be doing the devil’s work if they assisted the team in putting a team on the field.
This act of defiance leaves manager Ryne Sandberg with far fewer options. Pencils appear like the obvious choose with pens not far behind.
Until a settlement between the team and markers is agreed upon, the Phillies will have to verbally communicate with each other in a polite manner. Fuck!
The Phillies are also considering crayons, although, experts believe it will give the team a childish appearance. The last thing the Phillies want people to think is that they are run by children or old people with brains as such.
Like outdoor ice skating rinks and low crime rates, the Phillies will not be around this summer. The team has decided to close up shop and give the players on the roster a “much needed break.”
This marks the first time since the late 1990s that the team has chosen to close for an entire year. The vacant Citizens Bank Park will make use of its space by offering concerts and refuge for immigrants stranded at sea. In other words, finally some talented foreigners involved with Phillies baseball even if it’s just defecating in left field. Then again, is that much different than Domonic Brown trying to field a fly ball?
The Phillies plan to reopen in time for the 2016 season, a year that will surely plenty of opportunities to see them lose games.
The Phillies aren’t dumb. At least not as dumb as we think they are. They still know how to rob fans of their money. They’re well aware of how bad attendance will be in 2015 and to improve the number of seats sold they’re charging fat people double.
“If any part of their love handles pass over the arm rest we’re requiring the fan pay for an extra seat,” said a spokesperson for the Phillies public relations department who in her spare time helps defend the tobacco companies and ISIS. “Ushers will assist fans with measuring devices to ensure no fatties get away with taking up too much room. We may even strip a few down naked in public to make sure we aren’t being cruel and judging them on their clothing. We just want the most comfortable fan experience for everyone at the park.”
Based on images from the stands last season, the Phillies estimate 20-30% of their fans will be required to pay double. The team is also thinking about adding an ugly tax to any person who doesn’t represent the ideal fan the team hopes to have.
“The ugly tax is just an idea right now,” said the spokesperson. “First we need to take care of the fatties. To fix the ugly, we’re going to offer paper bags to the first 1,000 fans rated 4 or lower on a scale of 10.”
Change is coming for the Phillies. Once a franchise that scouted poorly on the international level, the team is quickly swooping in and grabbing one country by the balls. This country is unfortunately Vatican City.
A population barely exceeding the attendance at a minor league game, Vatican City has never produced a professional baseball player. This is either because of the loyal dedication to the Pope or due to the fact that one side of the country to the other is shorter than home plate to second base. Even having a baseball field in the country is a physical impossibility. In fact, the small size of the country is the same reason why the Pope never masturbates. He simply cannot find any privacy!
“We are looking for a diamond in the rough,” said Pat Gillick, whose job title is old man with recognizable name. “If teams are finding talent in places like Panama and New Jersey then surely there’s a chance someone from Vatican City can play ball.”
“We’re trying our best to trade Cole Hamels,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “Teams just aren’t interested on our fair deals!”
Reported first by someone with a fake twitter picture, the Phillies were turned away by the Angels when they proposed a trade that would have sent Hamels to Los Angeles for the young and inexperienced getting worse each season Mike Trout.
“I don’t know why more teams aren’t interested in him,” said Amaro Jr. “He throws left-handed. Has anyone ever seen this before???”
Some have suggested the Phillies asking price is too high to which Amaro Jr. has said, “we can assure you, our asking price is not too high, just a little buzzed.”
In related news, the Phillies have tried trading Jonathan Papelbon to several teams including the San Francisco Giants. The asking price for Papelbon was reportedly outrageously high as it included Buster Posey, Madison Bumgarner, and the 2014 World Series Championship.