Creator of Phalse Philly Sports Dies While Reading Crossing Broad While Crossing Broad

The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.

Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.

As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.

All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.

So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.

Stay in touch.

Phillies Trade Hated Closer Carl from “The Walking Dead”

The Phillies phinally phinalized a phantastic trade today when they sent the universally hated team closer, Carl from The Walking Dead, to the Milwaukee Brewers. Who they got back doesn’t really matter. Carl is gone!

Since signing with the Phillies, Carl has been outspoken about the team’s struggles. He also seems to go missing constantly despite not having any place to wander off to.

“The contract was a mistake,” admitted general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “It’s time we move on and start rebuilding.”

Rumor has it, the much more beloved character from the new Star Wars Trilogy, Jar-Jar Binks, will replace Carl.

Markers Boycott Writing on Phillies’ Lineup Cards

Markers across the country are reportedly boycotting their use on the Phillies’ lineup card in 2015. The unionized group of writing utensils feels they’d be doing the devil’s work if they assisted the team in putting a team on the field.

This act of defiance leaves manager Ryne Sandberg with far fewer options. Pencils appear like the obvious choose with pens not far behind.

Until a settlement between the team and markers is agreed upon, the Phillies will have to verbally communicate with each other in a polite manner. Fuck!

The Phillies are also considering crayons, although, experts believe it will give the team a childish appearance. The last thing the Phillies want people to think is that they are run by children or old people with brains as such.

Phillies Announce They Will Close for the Summer

Like outdoor ice skating rinks and low crime rates, the Phillies will not be around this summer. The team has decided to close up shop and give the players on the roster a “much needed break.”

This marks the first time since the late 1990s that the team has chosen to close for an entire year. The vacant Citizens Bank Park will make use of its space by offering concerts and refuge for immigrants stranded at sea. In other words, finally some talented foreigners involved with Phillies baseball even if it’s just defecating in left field. Then again, is that much different than Domonic Brown trying to field a fly ball?

The Phillies plan to reopen in time for the 2016 season, a year that will surely plenty of opportunities to see them lose games.

To Raise Attendance, Phillies Charging Fat People Double in 2015

The Phillies aren’t dumb. At least not as dumb as we think they are. They still know how to rob fans of their money. They’re well aware of how bad attendance will be in 2015 and to improve the number of seats sold they’re charging fat people double.

“If any part of their love handles pass over the arm rest we’re requiring the fan pay for an extra seat,” said a spokesperson for the Phillies public relations department who in her spare time helps defend the tobacco companies and ISIS. “Ushers will assist fans with measuring devices to ensure no fatties get away with taking up too much room. We may even strip a few down naked in public to make sure we aren’t being cruel and judging them on their clothing. We just want the most comfortable fan experience for everyone at the park.”

Based on images from the stands last season, the Phillies estimate 20-30% of their fans will be required to pay double. The team is also thinking about adding an ugly tax to any person who doesn’t represent the ideal fan the team hopes to have.

“The ugly tax is just an idea right now,” said the spokesperson. “First we need to take care of the fatties. To fix the ugly, we’re going to offer paper bags to the first 1,000 fans rated 4 or lower on a scale of 10.”

Phillies International Scouting Heavily Focused on Vatican City

Change is coming for the Phillies. Once a franchise that scouted poorly on the international level, the team is quickly swooping in and grabbing one country by the balls. This country is unfortunately Vatican City.

A population barely exceeding the attendance at a minor league game, Vatican City has never produced a professional baseball player. This is either because of the loyal dedication to the Pope or due to the fact that one side of the country to the other is shorter than home plate to second base. Even having a baseball field in the country is a physical impossibility. In fact, the small size of the country is the same reason why the Pope never masturbates. He simply cannot find any privacy!

“We are looking for a diamond in the rough,” said Pat Gillick, whose job title is old man with recognizable name. “If teams are finding talent in places like Panama and New Jersey then surely there’s a chance someone from Vatican City can play ball.”

Angels Turn Phillies Down in Proposed Trade: Mike Trout for Cole Hamels Deal

“We’re trying our best to trade Cole Hamels,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “Teams just aren’t interested on our fair deals!”

Reported first by someone with a fake twitter picture, the Phillies were turned away by the Angels when they proposed a trade that would have sent Hamels to Los Angeles for the young and inexperienced getting worse each season Mike Trout.

“I don’t know why more teams aren’t interested in him,” said Amaro Jr. “He throws left-handed. Has anyone ever seen this before???”

Some have suggested the Phillies asking price is too high to which Amaro Jr. has said, “we can assure you, our asking price is not too high, just a little buzzed.”

In related news, the Phillies have tried trading Jonathan Papelbon to several teams including the San Francisco Giants. The asking price for Papelbon was reportedly outrageously high as it included Buster Posey, Madison Bumgarner, and the 2014 World Series Championship.

Brett Myers’ Wife Gets a Tattoo of a Tire Around Her Eye

The wife of former Phillies pitcher Brett Myers, Shauna, was spotted out on the town last night with what she claims is a tattoo of a tire around her right eye.

“I’m not sure why everyone is making a big deal about this,” said Shauna. “Tattoos are as common as a facial piercing or my husband making an enemy in the locker room. This isn’t newsworthy. Please leave me alone. Everything is okay.”

Several of Shauna’s close friends were originally worried that she had walked into a door again, a common problem she had years ago. This conclusion they jumped to was justified as a tattoo of a tire around your eye is certainly strange. Even odder was an indentation in the middle of the tattoo that is an exact match for her husband’s 2008 World Series ring; almost as if it was forcefully imprinted there.

Myers joked with the media about his wife’s crazy decisions. He even pointed out how she “had something else coming to her for making this public” which could mean another tattoo gift is on its way.

Several Notable Phillies Absent at Spring Training After Joining ISIS

The terrorist group known as ISIS just got a little more past its prime. According to reports, several notable Phillies have decided to go AWOL on the team and join ISIS instead.

“We have a better chance at winning with ISIS,” said Cole Hamels. “The culture here is stronger and I like the ‘win now or kill everyone’ mentality.”

Last year, ISIS was in full rebuild mode after US missiles destroyed their bunker. Now the group is ready to go all in and win. To start the process, they’re plucking whatever members of the Phillies’ roster.

“They’re willing to do what it takes to win,” said Chase Utley, another defective. “Even if it means blowing up the roster, or making us blow up ourselves, ISIS has our best interest on mind.”

Nearly all of the notable players on the Phillies have joined ISIS. The lone remaining man on the roster with name recognition is Ryan Howard. Although he was willing to blow himself up for the cause, ISIS knew better than to make any deal with the veteran first baseman. If only the Phillies were so wise.

Harrisburg Radio Station to Play “Everything Mean Ever Said to You” Instead of Phillies

WFAG in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is one of many stations in the area opting to no longer carry Phillies games. Instead, the station has decided to play recordings of everything mean ever said to you throughout your entire life.

“It’s what people would rather hear,” said Program Director Matt Polishski. “Maybe years ago it would be a bad idea. Now, with this roster, we’re expecting increased listenership even if the broadcast brings back a lot of painful memories.”

The programs will include such events as when your mom told you she wished you were a miscarriage all the way up until your wife let you know your father fucks her better. There is also at least a whole years worth from seventh grade when you were teased relentlessly for being poor, fat, and ugly.

Some may find the programming a bit punishing at first, but once they see the National League East standings in July, they’ll be much happier reliving life’s darkest moments than listening to Phillies baseball.