The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.
Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.
As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.
All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.
So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.
Stay in touch.
The NHL’s biggest star, Sidney Crosby, has his own line of commercials set to premiere later this spring when the moon is under Venus and femininity is not bastardized by the media.
Rather than selling injuries while flopping all over the ice, Crosby will pitch his own line of tampons for women – and men who like shoving things up their ass.
“Some people may think I’m selling out bit I’m not,” said Crosby. “I’m just being me and I believe everyone has the right to shove things into their lower extremities in the privacy of their own homes with whatever wayward teen boy they can convince to join them.”
There’s no word yet on what Crosby will do in the commercial, however, several donkeys had their IMDB pages updated to include the string of advertisements.
Rookie center Lesbian Haircut thought his role on the Flyers this season would be more minuscule than its femininity. In a poll of players, the butch hairdo was named the toughest player in the NHL.
When asked if he thought of himself as a goon, the short spiky man-hating hair said, “Goons cause trouble. I don’t. I’m more practical than your average woman’s haircut.”
The lesbian hair explained how he never gets tangled with himself and would prefer to only do so with other tough players in the league. Although smaller than most and frequently suffering from cuts at the expense of however much Hair Cuttery now charges, the lesbian hair gets the job done.
In building toward the future, the Flyers are hopeful that the hair sticks around for the long haul or at least while short hair on dykes is still trendy.
In his first season as the Boss Applesauce, Eagles head coach Chip Kelly is cleaning house and making so many changes it’ll actually be worth buying a new program in 2015. One of his more drastic maneuvers was relocating the city of Philadelphia from Pennsylvania to Oregon.
“Cities are always moving states,” said Kelly with no facts to back up the statement. “I’m not sure why this is a big deal.”
Kelly’s love of all things Oregon comes from his hatred of pumping his own gas and love of the film Goonies. After coaching at Oregon for a lit shorter than he makes it seem, Kelly remains absolutely fascinated with the nation’s 40-48th state; somewhere in there.
Philadelphians need not worry as geographically they’ll remain where they are. The move is more conditional than logical and won’t change your life at all except you’re going to have lower life ambitions like the rest of Oregon’s residents.
In unstoppable fashion, Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has reportedly traded himself. The team he’ll join is still a mystery, however, many think it’ll be somewhere outside of Philadelphia since basic logic and process of elimination says it must.
Through melancholy tears Kelly said, “My run in Philly was great. I’m really going to miss it.”
Reporters did follow up and question the move to which Kelly requested they trade in their original questions for something he was willing to answer.
The blockbuster deals – meaning outdated and only your grandpa likes them – the Eagles have made this offseason are a bit perplexing. For instance, have any of the players of this team even met before?
Name tag salesmen in the Philadelphia area eagerly waiting for the season to begin and their business to boom. Frequent 94 WIP caller, Mitchy Tools, has already traded in the snow shovels for the plain white stickers with “Hello My Name Is” in bold font on the top.
A lot of people are talking about the iPhone 6. It’s the latest product from Apple and has women’s vaginas wetter than a rainy day without an umbrella.
The new piece of technology can do so much too. From phone calls to replacement door stops, the iPhone 6 can do everything except get the Flyers to the postseason.
“No matter what part of the rink we hold it in we can’t get a signal,” said defenseman Nick Schultz. “These things are useless. It’s like we have two Vincent Lecavaliers.”
Several Flyers have already converted back to the more practical blackberry or android. Although those phones can look tacky and cheap, at least your bill doesn’t cost half your rent.
Plus, what can it do other than take better pictures of your crappy friends?
Fuck this phone.
Flyers defenseman Michael del Zorro is wanted by the Texas Rangers for going around and using his hockey stick to cut Zs into everybody’s shirts. The great inconvenience of having someone ruin an otherwise perfectly good shirt has pissed them all off so much, a bounty is on his head.
Del Zorro claims he’s a modern day Mexican Robin Hood who happens to play hockey. His mission, as it appears, is to ruin clothing without any real purpose. In other words, he has no real mission other than shit on your day.
While this is an economic boom to the very popular clothing industry along the Texas/Mexico border, authorities are sick of having to turn so many perfectly good polo shirts into rags.
Any information on Del Zorro should be screamed very loudly into the ear of a police officer when he least suspects it.
Normally a fantasy football draft won’t take place until after the offseason and draft when rosters are close to final. Eagles coach Chip Kelly never does anything like normal, including peeing while doing a handstand, which is why he’s already had his fantasy draft.
According to leaked photos, Kelly’s fantasy roster includes the following players:
No wide receivers
Unfortunately the revealing photo of his roster did not capture the rest of this team plucked from all over the NFL – commonplace on fantasy football and not reality.
As if Tim Tebow needed anymore reasons to think he was holier than thou, Eagles fans absolutely crucified the quarterback this past weekend after news broke that the team was giving him an opportunity to make the roster.
Tebow, a religious man by choice and close-mindedness, now believes this makes him even more like his idol, Jesus Christ.
“Jesus was crucified by the Romans and I’m having it done to me by @Goman66 on twitter,” said Tebow. “Our lives are running parallel. I feel closer to him than ever.”
Tebow now believes he is the chosen one. Multiple signs and similarities to Jesus, like suffering from stigmata and working as a carpenter when his football career wasn’t going so well, have convinced the QB he’s the Christian prophet.
It doesn’t appear as if the Eagles will actually sign Tebow nor did they have any intention on doing so. According to an anonymous source with the team that everyone knows is Fred, the Eagles gave Tebow the opportunity because they felt the offseason circus needed to target a religious audience. It seems to have worked because Kirk Cameron was spotted being homophobic while wearing a Kelly Green Eagles’ throwback jersey earlier today.
Eagles running back DeMarco Murray is very excited to join his new team. In his opening press conference, Murray told a pushy Howard Eskin exactly why.
“I think this team can win a Super Bowl,” Murray said.
Cheers erupted in the small bingo hall where the news conference took place which were quickly followed by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell sending someone to test Murray’s urine.
“We have a twenty tolerance level to misconduct,” said Goodell, referencing the league’s policy of only allowing 20% of its players’ infractions to slip through the cracks. “Clearly, if he thinks the Eagles can win a Super Bowl, he’s on something.”
Before the sample came back from the lab, Goodell handed down a harsh suspension. He believes strongly enough that Murray is in violation of the league’s inconsistent drug policy to which science cannot alter either way.
Murray will now miss all four preseason games. Goodell knows how important each of these games are and without them, Murray may not even make the roster.
In the future, Murray will know that when you’re in Philadelphia, optimism is not welcome.