Change is coming for the Phillies. Once a franchise that scouted poorly on the international level, the team is quickly swooping in and grabbing one country by the balls. This country is unfortunately Vatican City.
A population barely exceeding the attendance at a minor league game, Vatican City has never produced a professional baseball player. This is either because of the loyal dedication to the Pope or due to the fact that one side of the country to the other is shorter than home plate to second base. Even having a baseball field in the country is a physical impossibility. In fact, the small size of the country is the same reason why the Pope never masturbates. He simply cannot find any privacy!
“We are looking for a diamond in the rough,” said Pat Gillick, whose job title is old man with recognizable name. “If teams are finding talent in places like Panama and New Jersey then surely there’s a chance someone from Vatican City can play ball.”
The Eagles made the tough decision to release defensive back Cary Williams today after another season of disappointment. Naturally, Williams headed straight to unemployment to see what others could do for him. Witnesses say that while in line at the office, Williams failed to cover his spot in line.
As the breakdown occurred, others passed him and left Williams tugging at their shirts.
Several rookies, first time unemployed people, were able to easily outmaneuver the veteran Williams. Moves like spinning in circles and pointing then shouting “look over there!” were distractions used to defeat Williams’ defense.
There’s no second-guessing the decision to cut Williams. Likely, the Eagles will replace him with the latest toy from a McDonald’s Happy Meal. At least those have a warning about choking on them.
Eagles running back LeSean McCoy is rumored to be the centerpiece of a trade that will send him to the Buffalo Bills. Reports say the trade will not be finalized until next week, meaning, a suicide watch has been placed on the star running back.
In return, the Eagles are expected to receive a draft pick they will blow on the wrong player or two draft picks they will blow on the wrong players.
We’ll have more on this story as it develops from a prepubescent girl into a full-blown woman.
The Flyers are much closer to a playoff berth than expected. A poor start to the season followed up with a hot streak post All-Star Break has them inching closer to the postseason. At last measurement, the Flyers were 7cm dilated and ready to pop out.
“We’re confident in our abilities as a team,” said Jakub Voracek. “We won’t take our shirts off at the beach, and thankfully hockey lets us cover our body shame.”
Voracek continued with a diatribe about other insecurities he has, such as talking on the phone with someone he is not familiar with.
Right now the Flyers have to pass the Florida Panthers and Boston Bruins if they want the last wild card spot.
“Hey, I’m wild. I think I deserve a wild card spot,” said team captain Claude Giroux while reminding us all how wild he can get.
The Flyers still have about a month and a half left to play and catch up with the rest of the conference. Had the groundhog not seen his shadow, the Flyers would have had a little longer as the NHL season’s length is heavily dependent on an animal’s shadow as is the long-tradition of the sport.
If the Eagles can’t get Marcus Mariota, the next best option might be the runny nose of first grader Alex Hallowell whose recent cold has given him a dribble of snot that would look ideal in the proposed Chip Kelly Offense.
“For a Chip Kelly Offense to run efficiently, Chip Kelly needs a running quarterback,” said Chip Kelly.
At the NFL combine, the snot ran out of little Alex’s nose at a 4.2 rate. This is faster than most quarterbacks which is why the Eagles are favoring the boogery nose over Nick Foles or Mark Sanchez.
When asked how it feels to have his cold considered for starting Eagles QB, little Alex told reports, “I like coloring. Blue is favorite.”
Finally, the Eagles have some intelligence behind center.
“We’re trying our best to trade Cole Hamels,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “Teams just aren’t interested on our fair deals!”
Reported first by someone with a fake twitter picture, the Phillies were turned away by the Angels when they proposed a trade that would have sent Hamels to Los Angeles for the young and inexperienced getting worse each season Mike Trout.
“I don’t know why more teams aren’t interested in him,” said Amaro Jr. “He throws left-handed. Has anyone ever seen this before???”
Some have suggested the Phillies asking price is too high to which Amaro Jr. has said, “we can assure you, our asking price is not too high, just a little buzzed.”
In related news, the Phillies have tried trading Jonathan Papelbon to several teams including the San Francisco Giants. The asking price for Papelbon was reportedly outrageously high as it included Buster Posey, Madison Bumgarner, and the 2014 World Series Championship.
Late last night, the Flyers announced the trade of defenseman Kimmo Timonen to an Antique’s Roadshow Auctioneer. The ancient relic will be placed in a museum in London for English children to flick boogers at.
Upon hearing the news of the trade, Timonen was said to be “in shock” and “unsure of where he even was or which nurse in the room was his granddaughter.”
In return, the Flyers will receive some younger and healthier players including a mummy and someone in the final stages of Ebola.