Creator of Phalse Philly Sports Dies While Reading Crossing Broad While Crossing Broad

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The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.

Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.

As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.

All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.

So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.

Stay in touch.

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Union Fan Shows up to Empty Stadium – Doesn’t Realize Difference in Lack of Action on Field

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Soccer aficionado and Philadelphia Union fan Steve Reyes showed up to PPL Park last night for a match between his favorite soccer team and whomever their opponent was. After sitting in the stands for close to 2 hours, Reyes finally realized there was no game going on and he was sitting in an empty arena.

“The action on the field didn’t seem any different from when I saw the Union before,” explained Reyes. “The scoreboard read 0-0 so I figured this was nothing more than a tight match; not an empty stadium.”

It was only when Reyes realized you was not annoyed with anyone around that he came to the conclusion there was no soccer match taking place.

“Soccer fans, I love ’em, can be a bit invasive with space,” said Reyes. “They high-five and touch you in celebration. With Ebola out there and people with poopy hands in general this is not something I enjoy. I go to soccer games for the non-stop action and lack of appropriate times to use the bathroom.”

Since this is a bit outlandish, for a man to not know the difference between a soccer game and a vacant field, Reyes was tested by police for intoxication. The result came back that the only thing he was under the influence of was liking an awful sport too much.

Reyes was then easily beaten by the police.

Philadelphia Union Lose in Championship Game – People Feeling No Different

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After a very bad season of Phillies baseball and the Eagles getting back on the field, Philadelphia’s soccer team the Union played in the championship game sometime in the recent history of the world. They lost and people are feeling pretty much the same.

“We have a soccer team?” asked one person who heard about the news.

“I’m more of a sitting in a dark room and doing nothing kind of person,” said another.

Soccer may not be as popular in the United States as it is other places; particularly Philadelphia where we have so many other teams to help let us down. It’s still a bit of a shock to see how little effect a championship loss can have on such a big town. Had the Union been a 5th place little league team, they would have had this city by the balls.

Anyway, congratulations to the Union on being the first loser!

Union Fan Dies After Falling Asleep at the Wheel While Listening to Soccer Game

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Sad news from West Chester as Union fan Jason Krauss was found dead on the side of the road with his body brutally mangled following a car crash. Paramedics who arrived at the scene reported that Krauss had been listening to the Philadelphia Union game on the radio when he fell asleep at the wheel.

“He had gotten a full night sleep,” said Krauss’s wife Eva. “It was in the middle of the afternoon. The game must have been SOOOOO boring if he managed to fall asleep during it.”

Following the news, insomniacs all over the Delaware Valley have become soccer fans. They are reporting that they are now finally able to sleep.

“It’s nice to know my lover’s horrible untimely death did some good,” said Krauss’s mistress Dana. “If only his slut wife could have been in the car with him it would have been perfect.”

The Union plan to hold a pregame ceremony to honor Krauss. Members of the local police department will be there for a one gun salute. They had originally planned to shoot off 21 bullets, but someone reminded them there’s never that many shots in soccer.

High School Student Skips Union Home-Opener to Attend School on a Saturday

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South Philadelphia resident Jacob Lawson is a big sports fan. He plays football, runs track, and does rhythmic gymnastics. When his father David surprised him with tickets to see the Philadelphia Union in their home-opener, Jacob did whatever he could to avoid the trip to PPL Park.

Soccer is a sport yet to be embraced by many Americans. Often called “Mexican football” by our intolerant grandfathers, Jacob appears to continue the trend of kicking sport hatred into the next generation.

Instead of going to the soccer game, Jacob ran to school. He did a month’s worth of math homework, studied ahead for next week’s chemistry lessons, and offered to help keep the janitor company over the weekend. Young Jacob was willing to do whatever he could to avoid going to the soccer game.

Meanwhile father David wonders why he even tries to love his spoiled son.

Super Bowl Predictions

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Tonight is the Super Bowl. We had the opportunity to ask around the Philadelphia sports scene what different players predicted the outcome of the game would be. This is what they said.

Chip Kelly – Seahawks 831 Broncos 833

“Offense will prove to be key in the game. A good defense is not necessary if you have an offense that never takes a break. Offense.”

Donovan McNabb – Seahawks 17 Broncos 17

“This game is too close to call. It’s going to end in a tie. Both quarterbacks will throw-up too because it’s a pressure situation and it’s normal.”

Ruben Amaro Jr. – Seahawks 14 Broncos 21

“I see the Broncos winning by a touchdown because they have a quarterback that is almost 40-years-old. This equals success.”

Carlos Ruiz – Seahawks 28 Broncos 24 (proxy pick via Cole Hamels)

“I been in country long time and no speak English.”

Brett Brown – Seahawks 97 Broncos 83

“Basically the same thing that Chip Kelly said except less about good offense and more about bad defense.”

Josh Innes – Seahawks 23 Broncos 28

“Denver is closer to St. Louis so they are better.”

Nick Foles – Seahawks 21 Broncos 27

“Broncos have a white quarterback.”

Michael Vick – Seahawks 114 Broncos 0

“Seahawks have a black quarterback.”

Jerome Brown – N/A

Unable to predict, deceased

Leonard Tose – Seahawks 28 Cardinals 31

“Midway through the game, the Broncos move to Arizona and become the Cardinals. They pull off a late fourth quarter win.”

Everyone on the Philadelphia Union – Seahawks 1 Broncos 0

“A very exciting offensive struggle with the Seahawks narrowly escaping with the win.”

Who do you think will win?

Philadelphia Union Draft New Goalie – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie

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In boring sports news, the Philadelphia Union soccer team has drafted a new goaltender. Their hope is he can step in and replace the current one, guy who wears gloves and wears a different colored shirt than the rest of the team for some reason. The draftee, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Christie may not look like your typical soccer player. He’s not thin. He’s not fast. He looks terrible in shorts. Christie however is incredibly skilled when it comes to blocking.

“When we heard what Christie was doing in Jersey we had to consider drafting him,” said Union manager Jack Hackworth. “He stopped an entire line of morning commuters from passing by a bridge. Imagine what he could do in a sport like soccer where he only has to block 1 or 2 balls a game!”

The move may affect Christie’s presidential run in 2016 as nobody in America will ever vote for a soccer player.

Christie has yet to officially sign with the team stating he has little interest in blocking shots on the soccer field. The main things Christie is concerned with blocking right now are his arteries and his eyes from seeing his dick when he looks down.