The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.
Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.
As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.
All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.
So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.
Stay in touch.
Shocking everyone including himself, now former Eagles’ coach Chip Kelly has decided to step away from the team and head back to college. Like so many comedies in the 1980s where ordinary people are put in unordinary situations, Kelly will be taking his NFL experience to the University of Phoenix online.
Best known for their commercials that are louder than necessary, the University of Phoenix online has struggled to put together a contending football team for some time now. Since they allow people from all over the country to attend their classes, practicing has been incredibly difficult.
“This is the 21st Century and it’s time online colleges are relevant in sports,” said Kelly in regards to the decision. “I have faith in myself and this school that we can assemble a team worthy of competing in a bowl game by 2017.”
Kelly has already spoken to 94 WIP host Angelo Cataldi about several of the team’s players competing in next year’s Wing Bowl.
Not since Ashford University’s women’s polo team won by disqualification after the Duke student body tried to rape them all has there been this much talk about online universities and sports. For Kelly’s sake, he has to hope the University of Phoenix online defense is good enough to prevent sexual assault.
JoePa reacts the only way he knows how when hearing the accusations against Jerry Sandusky.
Big news from Happy Valley as today it was announced the NCAA would reinstate every single one of former Penn State coach Joe Paterno’s wins that had been taken away from him. Each win represented a child raped by Jerry Sandusky so as logic states, it was a fair trade.
“We did all that we could to keep the wins away,” said a spokesperson for the NCAA. “We reported it to our superiors and then blindly looked the other way while failing to consider consequences. The only thing we could do at this point was give the wins back.”
Originally taken away because he employed a pedophile on his coaching staff, Paterno has redeemed himself from the grave. Thanks to his pushy family with no real honors of their own, the wins have returned to Paterno’s list of accomplishments. In the interim, the best thing he had ever done with his life was look like a muppet.
Penn State plans to build an even larger statue in Paterno’s honor, which will forever be a symbol of turning the other cheek and neglecting to follow through with simple morality.
A terrible 365 days of Philadelphia sports may be saved by the way the Big 5 are playing in the NCAA. Villanova, Temple, St. Joseph’s, UPenn, La Salle, and not Drexel are all in their own right having some big years on the basketball court.
Not as big in Philadelphia as it is in smaller cities where people never leave, college basketball is something to pay attention to this year if you want to see some winning.
Villanova is one of the best in the nation and Temple is currently riding a five-game winning streaking. Most important of all, not a single player on any of these teams (even Drexel!) has been accused of a sex crime in at least a year. At least for now, college basketball in Philadelphia is the perfect way to kill some time until Netflix adds some good movies.
The voice of morality and always doing their best effort to help children, Penn State has pulled their offer to allow one of the high school students from Sayreville involved in “Thumbgate” from playing for the team next season. Penn State would hate to ruin their image by having someone with such inexcusable behavior in their locker room. This would be the first time anyone not nominated for sainthood would be involved in team activities.
In a related story, a local pot called the kettle black. People are outraged by the possibly racist observation however there is a Penn State football game later today so everybody will forget about it and cheer their team like lemmings.
Penn State looks to be back to normal as they already have 20 high school recruits committed to playing for the football team next season. That’s a baker’s dozen plus a lucky 7!
Oddly enough, these same 20 recruits when asked what they thought of the Jerry Sandusky scandal had never heard the name before.
“We’ve done a great job at playing football well and making everyone forget about the past,” said Penn State Head Coach James Franklin. “Plus with drugs and how quickly MTV moves it’s hard for incoming freshmen to even remember last week’s episode of Awkward.”
Among the recruits are a big fat guy from the south who will inevitably die far too young and a closeted homosexual defensive back who will be outspoken against gay rights.
Fans of the Nittany Lions are excited for the new recruits, particularly those who are in complete denial about the horrendous events that took place right on the campus.
Temple University running back Je’Marcus Williams-Thompson-Harris-Williams Jr. was shot during their latest game. The incident occurred on an attempted sweep play that resulted in a gain of 3 yards, just short of the first down. Unfortunately for Williams-Thompson-Harris-Williams, nobody noticed the blood pouring from his uniform due to the uniform color.
“When he collapsed on the ground with no reason I just thought this was what Temple football was all about,” said one student.
“There are so many gunshots, nobody thought anything of this one,” replied another much fatter and uglier student who was given far less time to voice her opinion because of it.
Williams-Thompson-Harris-Williams was shortly taken to the Temple University Medical Center where he is receiving the best treatment possible from college students with no experience.
Oh and the team won!