The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.
Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.
As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.
All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.
So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.
Stay in touch.
Low ratings and even lower win totals have led executives to cancel the 76ers after the current season ends. Fans of the show will be disappointed to learn that after all of these seasons, their favorite sitcom is coming to a close.
“Now I know how Kirk Cameron felt when Growing Pains ended,” said Robert Covington. “The only difference I can think of is I plan on getting laid lots.”
Originally broadcast as a midseason replacement for a show Andy Richter was on, 76ers games won fans over thanks to their colorful characters and predictable outcomes.
Fans of the show may instead enjoy The Walking Dead as it features just as many deaths as the Sixers defense does each night.
Because the 76ers are winning too many games and because they have so much cap space they could sign an entire Scandinavian country to lengthy deals, general manager Sam Hinkie has signed the only people available and willing to join the culture he wanted. They are, of course, Islamic suicide bombers.
These brainwashed duds of human life will help fit the mold for the ideal players the 76ers need. Willing to die for their beliefs, Hinkie is certain their addition to the roster will help secure a top draft pick.
“Allah Akbar Jihad Mohammed,” said one of the new signees. The rest chanted the same phrase while shooting guns into the sky and climbing across monkey bars while a video camera from the 1980s captured it all.
The Sixers are not the first team to do something like this. Back in the 1940s, several teams used kamikaze pilots. It was only after teams realized they couldn’t get more than a game from each player that they decided to forego the use of such evil men.
The suicide bombers will join the Sixers within the next week. Hinkie has said he expects them to “blow away the competition.” After he said it, Hinkie smiled for the first time in his life.
The life of 76ers mascot Franklin was short-lived as the blue dog was last seen hopping into Joshua Harris’ backseat on his way to be euthanized.
Franklin, who debuted midseason in a very timely fashion, reportedly attacked a fan while off leash at the Wachovia Center. Philadelphia has very strict rules against this and the pooch has been put down.
“It’s sad to see him go,” said Joel Embiid. “Whenever I dropped food he was there to eat it up. Now I’m going to have to bend over or be more careful while eating.”
During the brief stint entertaining fans, Franklin created a lot of memories. These momentous occasions include peeing on the opponents’ lawn, chasing his tail in circles, and awkwardly having his large red cock flop out during a picture.
Franklin is now somewhere over the rainbow bridge, more than likely, trying to eat another dog’s shit.
Just days after a trade deadline featuring the trade of Michael Carter-Williams and K.J. McDaniels, the 76ers made another transaction today to solidify themselves as one of the poorest run organizations outside of a Taiwanese sweatshop.
Sixers general manager Sam Hinkie announced via a non-public appearance that the team had successfully traded Center City Philadelphia to Delaware for a small useless chunk of its territory. This unfortunately does not narrow down exactly which part of Delaware the Sixers will be receiving. In fact, it might be the entire state.
“It was a move looking out for our best interest and the future of this franchise,” said Hinkie in a handwritten notice delivered through a surrogate while Hinkie hid in a bunker. “I have faith that this was the right decision.”
Obviously, any piece of Delaware isn’t as coveted as the center of a major metropolis like Philadelphia. To sweeten the deal, Delaware threw in a second round draft pick which allegedly gave Hinkie a noticeable erection.
A decade ago, a man on the street asked current 76ers General Manager Sam Hinkie what he’d do for a Klondike Bar. His answer: completely destroy an NBA franchise.
It turns out Hinkie doesn’t care about winning. Instead, he’s ruining basketball in Philadelphia for a frozen ice cream bar.
“If you were craving chocolate as much as I was you’d understand my predicament,” said Hinkie in defense of his decision to destroy an entire sport for a major city.
Although the 76ers are bad, a few dummies think this plan of Hinkie’s will work.
“To clarify, I don’t get the Klondike Bar until everyone gives up hope,” said Hinkie. “We’ve got a few stragglers, but I’m certain trading Michael Carter-Williams for a Vancouver Grizzlies retro jersey can help.”
A historic day for Philadelphia sports as point guard Michael Carter-Williams has been traded by the 76ers to the Milwaukee Bucks for who really cares?
The 2013-2014 NBA Rookie of the Year, MCW has officially missed his last shot as a member of the Philadelphia 76ers.
“I’m shocked that the trade happened and if I had known my most recent missed shot would have been my last, I would have thrown up a total brick,” said Carter-Williams.
Joining Carter-Williams on the way out is K.J. McDaniels who is now a member of the Houston Rockets. Two very exciting players with promising futures in Philadelphia will now have to adjust to life in the Midwest and its kind yet obese way of doing things.