Desperate for Bigger Offensive Lineman, Eagles Sign All of Your Ex-Girlfriends

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Lane Johnson may be back however the Eagles are still desperate to improve their offensive line. In a move that makes perfect sense when you see their size, the Eagles went out and signed all of your ex-girlfriends.

“Dating a fat chick was the best you could ever do,” said General Manager Howie Roseman. “It didn’t work out between you two though, and now they’re playing in the NFL while you’re single and watching the game on TV.”

These husky girls you spent weeks, months, and years exchanging loving text messages and bodily fluids with will be ready to protect Nick Foles like they’re dating him and the defenses are their much more attractive friends who could easily steal him away if only they could get their hands on him.

“Your ex-girlfriends are a great addition to the team,” said Jason Peters. “Also, having them around make me feel a little bit slimmer which is good because these football pants make my ass look huge. Thank goodness the best you could ever do were these girls.

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