The creator of Phalse Philly Sports was reported dead earlier today when he was killed crossing broad while reading the popular sports site, Crossing Broad. The ironic death was the perfect way to end a year and a half of great sports satire centered on the city of Philadelphia.
Reportedly, the creator’s last words included many thank yous to all of his readers for supporting him during his run writing for this blog. He did, however, add that he felt it was time to move onto other projects with higher ceilings.
As he was bleeding to death in the middle of the road, Phalse Philly Sport’s creator reflected on the highs of writing here. There were those times when Josh Innes mentioned the blog on his show. The best being when he and Marc Farzetta openly laughed about the silliness. Then there was the time when 975 the Fanatic host Kwame Fisher-Jones actually followed his crappy Twitter account.
All of the comments and readers were appreciated since the creation of this blog back in November of 2013. Due to his death, though, this will be the last post on this blog, possibly forever. There was not much else to gain from writing here and time would have been better spent other places to build toward a more professional writing career. It’s fun to write about fake news, but in the end you don’t win awards for being funny. You win reward for reporting facts and to do this it takes a lot of direct focus on one thing at a time.
So if he was alive, which he’s certainly not, he would say THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
He’d also want you to check out the new project he’s focusing on most, a baseball-focused blog called Innings Eaters.
Stay in touch.
Rookie center Lesbian Haircut thought his role on the Flyers this season would be more minuscule than its femininity. In a poll of players, the butch hairdo was named the toughest player in the NHL.
When asked if he thought of himself as a goon, the short spiky man-hating hair said, “Goons cause trouble. I don’t. I’m more practical than your average woman’s haircut.”
The lesbian hair explained how he never gets tangled with himself and would prefer to only do so with other tough players in the league. Although smaller than most and frequently suffering from cuts at the expense of however much Hair Cuttery now charges, the lesbian hair gets the job done.
In building toward the future, the Flyers are hopeful that the hair sticks around for the long haul or at least while short hair on dykes is still trendy.
A lot of people are talking about the iPhone 6. It’s the latest product from Apple and has women’s vaginas wetter than a rainy day without an umbrella.
The new piece of technology can do so much too. From phone calls to replacement door stops, the iPhone 6 can do everything except get the Flyers to the postseason.
“No matter what part of the rink we hold it in we can’t get a signal,” said defenseman Nick Schultz. “These things are useless. It’s like we have two Vincent Lecavaliers.”
Several Flyers have already converted back to the more practical blackberry or android. Although those phones can look tacky and cheap, at least your bill doesn’t cost half your rent.
Plus, what can it do other than take better pictures of your crappy friends?
Fuck this phone.
Flyers defenseman Michael del Zorro is wanted by the Texas Rangers for going around and using his hockey stick to cut Zs into everybody’s shirts. The great inconvenience of having someone ruin an otherwise perfectly good shirt has pissed them all off so much, a bounty is on his head.
Del Zorro claims he’s a modern day Mexican Robin Hood who happens to play hockey. His mission, as it appears, is to ruin clothing without any real purpose. In other words, he has no real mission other than shit on your day.
While this is an economic boom to the very popular clothing industry along the Texas/Mexico border, authorities are sick of having to turn so many perfectly good polo shirts into rags.
Any information on Del Zorro should be screamed very loudly into the ear of a police officer when he least suspects it.
The NHL has done its best this season to cut down on the amount of sexual activity between players. While the presence of Sidney Crosby and his predatory drive for young males is only outmatched by Jeffrey Dahmer, the league has done an incredible job everywhere else.
Unfortunately for a slutty forward on the Flyers, a hooking penalty late in the third period cost his team the game.
“The right call was made and we paid for it,” said coach Craig Berube. “Our guy was out there slutting around in high boots and a short skirt. He was in clear violation of the rules.”
The Flyers almost escaped the hooking penalty until there was a direct conversation with an official regarding the exchange of currency for lewd sexual acts.
“I don’t know what a Cleveland Steamer is, but I do know there’s no team in the ECHL by that name,” said referee Herbert Moore.
The Flyers will have to work harder at avoiding needless penalties. If their forwards needed the money that badly, they could have done some light modeling before resorting to prostitution.
Flyers radio announcer Steve Coates has, for years, built a reputation as a fun loving commentator the average fan can appreciate. A new scandal has rocked the Flyers, though, and he’s at the center of it. As it turns out, Coates is a liar. Rather than being more than one coat, he’s actually just one jacket.
“You work with someone this long you think you’d know everything about them,” said television announcer Jim Jackson. Previous to Coates move to radio, he worked closely with J.J. “Our friendship is gone, goodbye!”
Suspicion arose after a recent road game when current partner Tim Saunders went to tip the coat check man and there was an inquiry about the total.
“He told me there was only one jacket there,” said Saunders. “I didn’t understand at first what he meant. Looking closer, I realize my partner had been a fraud all along.”
Further investigation is still needed. Since Coates didn’t break any actual laws and is a literal article of clothing people wear to keep warm and not a person, there really isn’t much the organization can do other than question why they were paying a single jacket all of this money.
Also, since it’s winter, Coates probably won’t go anywhere. Come summertime there is a chance he’s given away to charity or just placed in the back of a closet.
The Flyers are much closer to a playoff berth than expected. A poor start to the season followed up with a hot streak post All-Star Break has them inching closer to the postseason. At last measurement, the Flyers were 7cm dilated and ready to pop out.
“We’re confident in our abilities as a team,” said Jakub Voracek. “We won’t take our shirts off at the beach, and thankfully hockey lets us cover our body shame.”
Voracek continued with a diatribe about other insecurities he has, such as talking on the phone with someone he is not familiar with.
Right now the Flyers have to pass the Florida Panthers and Boston Bruins if they want the last wild card spot.
“Hey, I’m wild. I think I deserve a wild card spot,” said team captain Claude Giroux while reminding us all how wild he can get.
The Flyers still have about a month and a half left to play and catch up with the rest of the conference. Had the groundhog not seen his shadow, the Flyers would have had a little longer as the NHL season’s length is heavily dependent on an animal’s shadow as is the long-tradition of the sport.