Chip Kelly Trades Himself

In unstoppable fashion, Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has reportedly traded himself. The team he’ll join is still a mystery, however, many think it’ll be somewhere outside of Philadelphia since basic logic and process of elimination says it must.

Through melancholy tears Kelly said, “My run in Philly was great. I’m really going to miss it.”

Reporters did follow up and question the move to which Kelly requested they trade in their original questions for something he was willing to answer.

The blockbuster deals – meaning outdated and only your grandpa likes them – the Eagles have made this offseason are a bit perplexing. For instance, have any of the players of this team even met before?

Name tag salesmen in the Philadelphia area eagerly waiting for the season to begin and their business to boom. Frequent 94 WIP caller, Mitchy Tools, has already traded in the snow shovels for the plain white stickers with “Hello My Name Is” in bold font on the top.

Ankle Sprain Suspended for Showing Up High

Eagles wide receiver, Ankle Sprain, has been suspended by the team for 5 games after showing up to a charity event high. A drug test reports that the high Ankle Sprain was under the influence of marijuana, cocaine, and seasonal Dunkin Donuts coffee.

Ankle Sprain has been with the Eagles for some time now and gotten close with all of the good defensive players. Friends of Ankle Sprain think the drug use may be associated with the Ankle Sprain being low, possibly even suffering from depression.

In a press release, Ankle Sprain expressed great regret for the use of illegal substances. Ankle Sprain also wanted to remind everyone that he’s a leg injury and any quotes from him are fabricated as bodily injuries do not have an opinion or way of communicating other than hurting really bad.

Ruben Amaro Jr. Tells Ryan Howard to “Go On, Git!”

In a candid interview with a 60-something-year-old radio host out of touch with trends, Phillies’ general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. publicly revealed a conversation he had with first baseman Ryan Howard.

“I told him to ‘Go on, git!’ We don’t need you around here no more!”

Amaro Jr. described the scene as very similar to the one in Air Bud when the kid tries to get rid of the Buddy on a creepy old basketball court. The biggest difference is Buddy was costing anyone $20 million-plus a year.

“We would be better off without Howard on the roster,” Amaro Jr. said. “It’s time to turn the page and call up inexperienced lower level prospects to fail for us.”

Howard responded by saying Amaro Jr. would be better off dead to which he replied, “I haven’t seen that movie; I’m not a John Cusack fan.”

Now a Small Vietnamese Man, LeSean McCoy Says “I Am the Same Player”

What’s going on with Eagles’ running back LeSean McCoy? Last week he was whining about anything he can after a win and today he came out at Eagles’ practice allegedly looking a bit more Vietnamese.

Many are wondering if McCoy is the same player in spite of the decrease in size, change in race, and generally toxic attitude.

“I am the same prayer,” said McCoy in his new Vietnamese accent. “That for arr of you figure out. I am same prayer. You crazy? I not address you. Didi Mao.”

How McCoy seemingly overnight became a whole new person remains a mystery. Many are curious if perhaps it really isn’t Shady, suggesting he has paid off a Vietnamese man to take his place while he sulks over not getting enough yards. Understandably, he’s a professional athlete and has every right to be such a big baby.

94 WIP Hires New Host – An Actual Breath of Fresh Air

The cliche using listeners of 94 WIP will be happy to learn the station has hired an actual breath of fresh air as an on-air host.

“I felt things were going as slow as molasses,” said one caller upon hearing the news. “For a while I thought things at 975 The Fanatic had been better, but I guess that’s because the grass is always greener on the other side.”

The move came quick as a whip and nobody saw the writing on the wall.

Listeners who have met the breath of fresh air described him as “fit as a fiddle” and “hung like a horse.” The move in finding this diamond in the rough appears to have come in the nick of time.

Phalse Philly Sports reached out to the breath of fresh air however he was unavailable for comment. Apparently the cat got his tongue.

The breath of fresh air will begin hosting duties sometime next month. Hopefully he doesn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed on the morning of his first show.

As Another Puck Passes by Him, Steve Mason Looks Back and Notices His Giant Ass

Steve Mason may be headed for a new diet. After allowing yet puck past him, the Flyers’ goaltender looked back only to notice how fat his ass has gotten.

“I can’t believe how far I’ve let myself go,” said Mason. “At first I thought it was just the fashionable horizontal striped pants I wear after games. But during the game, I was in black and my ass still looked huuuge.”

According to teammates, Mason had seemed preoccupied since the season began with asking them whether they thought he was fat or not. Most responded politely, letting him know they did not consider him overweight. Others confused him for their wife.

Since discovering all of that junk inside his trunk, Mason has avoided showering after games. Some have speculated this lack of bathing is beginning to affect his play on the ice.

“I’ve noticed he’s stiff out there,” said Flyers’ Goalie Coach Jeff Reese whose job is to basically say ‘stop the puck!’ to the players he coaches. “I think the stiffness is from his sweat drying up on his skin. I’m not a doctor though. I’m a goalie coach and obviously awful at it.”

In the meantime, Mason will wear a more slimming uniform and avoid wearing skinny-pads whenever he takes the ice to avoid feeling insecure. How secure the Flyers will feel with him in net is still yet to be determined.

Charles Barkley Talks Race – White People Discover Eggshells Under Shoes When Going Near the Topic

The always outspoken Charles Barkley made comments recently about the idea of being “too black” or “not black enough.” Barkley’s stance is that things like this do severe damage to the African-American community and turn them against each other when instead they should be more supportive of the individual.

Meanwhile, white people everywhere are trying to get involved in the topic only to get distracted by all of the eggshells appearing under their feet. Each step they take, more of that crunchy and delicious outer layer of the egg appears on the ground around them. It appears, at least for now, white people will just agree with whatever the majority of the black people around them believe on this issue.

Larry Bowa Says Ryan Howard is an “Armenian League Player”

Larry Bowa came on the radio earlier this week and was asked his opinion of Ryan Howard. After a screaming match with himself, Bowa finally settled down and gave a legitimate quote which has had everyone in Philadelphia talking.

“Howard’s not the player he used to be,” said Bowa. “I see him as an Armenian League Player.”

Bowa was asked if he meant American League, suggesting that Bowa is a forgetful old person and Howard is only capable of being a designated hitter.

Bowa rebuffed, “Yes I mean Armenian. Saying he’s an American League Player implies that he can still hit. He can’t. He belongs in the Armenian League.”

Not one of the most well-known leagues in the world, the Armenian Baseball Asssocation (there was a typo on the original doctrine and they do not have the funds to change it) is a mix of baseball, soccer, and genocide. The players have very little athletic ability and even fewer fingers. They are paid by the owners in being allowed to live.

Clearly Bowa does not want Howard around next season nor does he think very highly of “The Big Piece.” With two years left on his contract as well as a third option year without the option to time travel and never sign him to this huge lengthy contract, the Phillies will have to begin talks with teams in the Armenian Baseball Asssocation as soon as possible. Based on their history of International Scouting, the first step will probably be for the Phillies to learn where Armenia even is.

Cary Williams: The NFL’s Best Shut-Up Cornerback

Some football teams like shutdown cornerbacks capable of tipping passes, making interceptions, and striking so much fear in opposing quarterbacks that they don’t even bother throwing the ball near them.

The Eagles don’t think like most teams though. Instead of shutdown cornerbacks they employ shut-up cornerbacks. These are coverage guys so talented at needing to shut the hell up.

A recent survey conducted around the NFL revealed that the Eagles’ very own Cary Williams is considered the best shut-up cornerback in the league.

“He just talks so much bullshit,” said Richard Sherman of the Seattle Seahawks. “When I say things they are relevant to the game of football and timed well. I’ll never be as in need to shut up as him.”

When asked to comment on the honor, Williams told reporters he was too tired and would get back to them in a few weeks.

Cary Williams is Sleepy

It’s 10pm on a Sunday after a fantastic Eagles win. Like Cary Williams, I’m feeling pretty sleepy. Let’s take a note from this upstanding citizen and retire for the evening.