76ers Phoning-It-In Bill a Record High

Few people expected the Philadelphia 76ers to compete this season. Those who did also want a smart, funny, intelligent, hard-working, dedicated, family man to sweep them off their feet. These women living in a fantasy world are now shocked to see the 76ers playing as badly as they are.

Never more was it obvious how bad the 76ers are when the December Monthly phoning-it-in bill was received.

“We went way over our monthly allotted minutes,” said coach Brett Brown. “We’re only allowed to phone things in for a quarter each game. The amount we phoned it in was averaging about three and a half quarters a night.”

Owner Joshua Harris was furious upon reading the bill. Having allowed the 76ers to phone-it-in at all, he was mostly upset that they were unable to show responsibility and limit the amount.

Rather than yell or threaten to take away their phoning-it-in privileges, Harris has scheduled a meeting with the 76ers in their bedroom later this week to discuss how little effort they are putting forth. Harris hopes to have a very Danny Tanner-esque moment with the team that results in more trust with each other and a friendly family atmosphere we can all enjoy.

Nerlens Noel Adds 15 Pounds – Spotted Carrying 20 Pound Dumbbell

One of the goals set for Nerlens Noel this off-season was to put on some weight. After being mistaken for a praying mantis, it became clear to him that strength and size was going to be a necessity if he wanted to make it through a game without verbal insults getting hurled at him by the opponent.

When Noel stepped on the scale yesterday there was some good news as his weight was up 15 pounds from the last time he had been weighed. Granted, Noel was holding a 20 pound dumbbell which if you understand math means he actually lost 5 pounds.

“We’re doing everything we can to put weight on Noel,” said Coach Brett Brown. “Fiber is no longer going to be allowed in his diet. I know that will just fill him up with shit, but who working for this team isn’t already?”

Noel has promised the team he will work a little harder to adding on some weight. He’s already meeting with his husband, Popeye the Sailorman, on possible ways to add lean body mass to his frame.

Dario Saric Makes 76ers Debut via Skype

The second of the pair of first-round picks the 76ers had in the 2014 NBA Draft made his debut last night for the team. Dario Saric, a Croatian playing in the appropriately named Turkey League, officially made became a member of the Sixers when he started for them via Skype.

“We had penciled him in to start for us days earlier, but due to visa issues and Joshua Harris mispronouncing his name when ordering airline tickets, we were unable to get Saric here in time for the game,” explained Head Coach Brett Brown.

Thanks to the wonders of technology, Saric was still able to play in the game. A laptop strapped to the back of Michael Carter-Williams, who for once literally had to carry his teammates, projected Saric’s image through Skype onto the court where he was able to contribute at the same level if he was there in person.

Saric’s debut was less than memorable though. On an attempted pass from Pierre Jackson, the basketball smashed the laptop screen and ended Saric’s first game early.

“The important thing is that we got him out there on the court meshing with others,” said Sam Hinkie. “Now all of you fans can shut up and patiently wait for us to make the playoffs again in 2036.”

10 Hours Walking Around the NYC Wearing Jeans and Crewneck T-Shirts as a 76ers Players

In what amounted to a very shocking and rather disturbing series of events, the Philadelphia 76ers spent today in New York City walking around for 10 hours in silence while wearing jeans and crewneck t-shirts. Normally when a professional basketball team does this a lot of people would come up for high-fives and autograph requests. Instead, the team was severely harassed by nearly everyone on the street.

The harassment included everything from quick one-liners to one man following the team for 5 minutes while reminding them how bad they are. Others refrained from even acknowledging the team. Still, there were some who believed they were a D-League organization.

“We did this as a social experiment,” said Coach Brett Brown. “We thought it was important for everyone who watches this video to know the kind of harassment a bad basketball team suffers on a daily basis. This isn’t right. Nobody no matter how bad at their job or how much of a weasel we all are to the fans for losing on purpose, we deserve to be respected!”

Point proven, there was one negative. Because the experiment required ten hours of walking, 2014 First Round Pick Joel Embiid damaged his foot further and will be out until 2017. This somehow fits perfectly into Sam Hinkie’s plan of making the playoffs by 2022.

Brett Brown Looking for More Roll Players to Join 76ers

The 2014-2015 season for the 76ers will be another bad one. Thinking anything else is truly foolish. Although the team may not be ready to win, they are focused on securing up major roll players for the future. In a low-carb fad society, many are questioning whether having so many rolls around the team is a good idea.

Dinner rolls from Red Lobster, the biscuits from Popeyes, and KFC’s corn muffins are just a few of the pieces of bread joining the 76ers this season.

“This is exactly what we wanted,” said Coach Brett Brown. “Building toward the future begins with starting at the bottom. Look at any food pyramid and you will see bread at the base.”

A few other rolls, like the ones on your fat stomach, also spoke to the team about a possible roster spot. The team declined the option, far too disgusted to see you shirtless.

The team hopes these additional roll players will be a recipe for success. If these new players don’t stay hot for long, they will be sure to heat them up in the microwave.

Sixers Begin Practicing for the 2013 Season 12 Months Late

In a move that defines the phrase “better late than never,” the Philadelphia 76ers showed up to practice today ready to prepare for the 2013 season.

“I know it’s 12 months too late, but you have to give us credit for trying,” said Coach Brett Brown. “We could have just continued tanking.”

Seemingly unfamiliar with how calendars and time work, in that he thinks preparing for something a year later can have any effect on the past or present, Brown sees a lot of positive things coming.

“We’ve got a lot of good things going on right now,” said Brown. “Two for one tickets every weekday game. Shaun Bradley Bobblehead Night. A half-time performance by one of the guys from Boyz II Men. This season has it all!”

When asked if he had anything to say about the team, a lone tear streamed down Brown’s face. He then excused himself where reporters heard heavy sobbing coming from the bathroom.

76ers Want Waiters

It’s beginning to look a little bit less like tanking for the 2014-2015 Philadelphia 76ers. The team is reportedly interested in adding waiters to the team in hopes that the locker room catering will be vastly improved due to the exclusive locker to locker food service.

“Normally a basketball team in this situation should be focused on player development,” said Old Angry White Guy Nobody Likes of ESPN. “However the 76ers are going a different way and focusing more on tending to the players’ hunger.”

The team is looking for several waiters of all backgrounds, skill-sets, and a very limited racial background.

“If the waiters are good enough we may even let them take a couple of shots,” said Coach Brett Brown. “It all depends on how well they can take our orders and whether the food arrives cold or temperate.”

In addition to waiters, the team will also need several busboys and hostesses. If you have any experience in these fields the team has asked you to submit your resumes to Sam Hinkie.

76ers Win Summer League Championship – Kyle Kendrick Pitches Gem in Bullpen Session

A parade may not be necessary to celebrate the 76ers winning the Summer League Championship. In fact, that’s just downright dumb. Parades cost money–even though everyone is supposedly volunteering. Instead the team will silently celebrate in a more humble fashion, which probably involves a trip to Applebee’s paid for by Head Coach Brett Brown. As meaningless as winning the Summer League Championship is, it’s the best the team can do for the imminent future.

More big news out of Philadelphia as starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick threw a gem in a bullpen session yesterday. Not a single hitter was said to have reached base. Kendrick’s noted inconsistency throughout his time with the Phillies may be over as long as he can take this impressive outing with him into his next start later today. The real key is keeping the Washington Nationals from even stepping up to the plate. To aid this the Phillies have covered the visitor’s locker room in asbestos.

76ers Eyeing Manu Ginobili’s Bald Spot for a Veteran Presence Next Season

A new part of the 76ers plan in 2014-2015 season includes adding veteran Manu Ginobili’s bald spot. Experienced and large, Coach Brett Brown believes the bald spot can be the perfect veteran presence to help teach and motivate his young team in the coming years.

“He’s very well-rounded and always makes his presence known,” said Brown while talking about the bald spot. “He’s impossible to ignore!”

Shining bright, mostly due to the light’s reflection, the bald spot appears to have a nice future. Ginobili expects his bald spot to grow both in size and basketball ability. Fans in Philadelphia can only hope that it’s here.

New Skimpier Uniforms for the 76ers Hope to Attract Free Agents

While the main focus of the 76ers is to improve their young core and succeed in the draft, the team is also looking to try out some new uniforms to attract free agents. The new uniforms are much more skimpier and leave far less to the imagination than the current ones.

The new uniforms will have a heavy European influence. Instead of shorts they will wear speedos. Instead of tank-tops they will go shirtless. All players are also required to grow chest hair measuring at least 1 inch.

“The more skin-revealing uniforms will help us in many ways,” said the team’s marketing director, a woman who knows nothing about sports. “Financially, fans will feel obligated to buy the new stylized uniforms to show their support. In the game things it will make several of the homophobic players feel too uncomfortable to get close to our players which will lead to more open shots.”

Coach Brett Brown has shown his support of the new uniforms saying “without the option to wear shirts this might keep the players more motivated to stay in better shape.”

After the announcement season ticket sales for 2014-2015 immediately doubled. This however changed immediately once it was revealed that the one guy who owns season tickets had accidentally made a double order online.