Sam Hinkie Threatens First Born Sons of Sixers’ Players if Winning Continues

Sixers general manager Sam Hinkie is not very happy with his team. Since reaching double digit wins, the 76ers look less like chumps and more like chimps – the purgatory between chumps and champs.

The drastically higher than expected win total for the Sixers has Hinkie so upset he is now threatening the lives of everyone on the team’s first born sons.

“I need to send a heavy message,” said Hinkie. “What we’re doing is for the big picture. We cannot win if we keep winning. It makes complete sense!”

Players on the roster are upset with Hinkie’s threats. Michael Carter-Williams is planning to boycott missed shots and Nerlens Noel is going to play defense in protest.

“He hasn’t done anything yet,” said Hollis Thompson. “But none of our first born sons are safe. It’s a good thing most of us have never met them or else we’d be really upset about what’s transpiring.”

Nerlens Noel Adds 15 Pounds – Spotted Carrying 20 Pound Dumbbell

One of the goals set for Nerlens Noel this off-season was to put on some weight. After being mistaken for a praying mantis, it became clear to him that strength and size was going to be a necessity if he wanted to make it through a game without verbal insults getting hurled at him by the opponent.

When Noel stepped on the scale yesterday there was some good news as his weight was up 15 pounds from the last time he had been weighed. Granted, Noel was holding a 20 pound dumbbell which if you understand math means he actually lost 5 pounds.

“We’re doing everything we can to put weight on Noel,” said Coach Brett Brown. “Fiber is no longer going to be allowed in his diet. I know that will just fill him up with shit, but who working for this team isn’t already?”

Noel has promised the team he will work a little harder to adding on some weight. He’s already meeting with his husband, Popeye the Sailorman, on possible ways to add lean body mass to his frame.

Highlight Reel: Nerlens Noel with Another Amazing Blocked Shit

All is going according to plan in Sixers Land. The team looks poised to earn a top draft pick and have at least two players worthy of trading for second rounders. Even better, and what could possibly be better than biting your nose to spite your face?, center Nerlens Noel is making highlight reels.

Noel’s unprecedented awesome you’re a jerk if you disagree season began with, as promised by owner Joshua Harris, lots of exciting blocked shots. Having blocked so many, Noel has shifted focus to blocking shits.

Earlier today, Noel was spotted inside the large intestine of a man in Des Moines. The man originally assumed his low fiber/high human diet was what had left him constipated for over a week. After an exam by his doctor it was determined 76ers center was causing the blockage.

In order to remove Noel from blocking up the colon, surgeons will need to surround him with less talented players and have him face superior teams. Neither task should be too difficult as the 76ers’ lost an exhibition game this summer to a YMCA league team in the ten-year-old division even though several of the girls on the team were battling the flu.

Noel plans to be ready to get back on the court soon. Opponents better not have plans on having a bowel movement because Noel will be there to stop it.

10 Hours Walking Around the NYC Wearing Jeans and Crewneck T-Shirts as a 76ers Players

In what amounted to a very shocking and rather disturbing series of events, the Philadelphia 76ers spent today in New York City walking around for 10 hours in silence while wearing jeans and crewneck t-shirts. Normally when a professional basketball team does this a lot of people would come up for high-fives and autograph requests. Instead, the team was severely harassed by nearly everyone on the street.

The harassment included everything from quick one-liners to one man following the team for 5 minutes while reminding them how bad they are. Others refrained from even acknowledging the team. Still, there were some who believed they were a D-League organization.

“We did this as a social experiment,” said Coach Brett Brown. “We thought it was important for everyone who watches this video to know the kind of harassment a bad basketball team suffers on a daily basis. This isn’t right. Nobody no matter how bad at their job or how much of a weasel we all are to the fans for losing on purpose, we deserve to be respected!”

Point proven, there was one negative. Because the experiment required ten hours of walking, 2014 First Round Pick Joel Embiid damaged his foot further and will be out until 2017. This somehow fits perfectly into Sam Hinkie’s plan of making the playoffs by 2022.

Nerlens Noel Mistaken for a Praying Mantis – Added to Endangered Species List

Center for the Philadelphia 76ers, Nerlens Noel, was recently mistaken by a team of researchers for a large Praying Mantis. Due to the shape of his body and how grossly lanky it is, the error was completely understandable.

Unfortunately for Noel nobody realized the oversight until it was too late and he has already been added to the list of endangered species. There is a bonus to this though as it is now illegal for anyone to kill him. So basically, Noel is the only person who can walk safely through North Philadelphia at 2AM; that is assuming criminals do not want to get arrested for killing bugs.

Noel plans to put on some weight this season to help differentiate himself from the popular green bug. He also hopes to avoid engaging in sexual cannibalism to help the cause.

Younger 76ers’ Stars Bonding – Turned into a Human Centipede

There’s not much hope for the 76ers contending this upcoming basketball season. However the same cannot be said about future seasons when the team is a little more experienced and has some chemistry. In hopes to speed up the bonding process for the young core, Michael Carter-Williams, Nerlens Noel, and Joel Embiid have spent the last month as a Human Centipede; sewn ass to mouth just like in the popular film.

“We heard about Kobe [Bryant] going to Germany and having successful knee surgery,” said Sixers’ General Manager Sam Hinkie. “We send our Core-Three there because we knew German doctors would have something they could do to help with the NBA maturing process. As it turned out, most of their experiments involved rectums and shit. We figured, they did pretty well in the World Cup. Why not trust them?”

Shocked to see his talented young stars return to Philadelphia as a Human Centipede, Hinkie remains optimistic.

“At least now we can pay them all one salary and save lots of money to not spend on free agency,” said Hinkie in response to the freak of nature starting in 2014.

“I like it,” said Carter-Williams. ” It feels like Noel and Embiid really have my back; probably because they’re sewn to my ass.”

“UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING,” added Embiid, the middle part of the Human Centipede.

For a team on the rise, this could be one reason to watch the 76ers this season if only to have another reason to throw-up.

Never Forget: The 76ers’ Twin Towers

Never forget where you were when you found out the 76ers traded for the injured Nerlens Noel and drafted the hurt Joel Embiid; the Twin Towers of the 76ers.

I was probably masturbating both times to unrelated events.

Nerlens Noel So Weak He Cannot Even Signup on Bodybuilding Forum

“Where’s the beef?”

This is what 76ers fans are asking whenever they see nude photographs of Nerlens Noel. Rail thin without any muscle tone to speak of, Noel made it a mission this summer to gain some strength.

In his first step to looking more human Noel attempted to signup on a bodybuilding website’s forum. Failed captcha attempts and no confirmation email from the site has left him weak and without any knowledge as to how he can finally get over 80 pounds.

Clearly frustrated, Noel attempted to punch a hole in a wall only to then fracture his skull as a result. It looks as if Noel will continue his daily diet of vegetables and staring at pictures of cheeseburgers until technical support can help him out with this one.

76ers Win Summer League Championship – Kyle Kendrick Pitches Gem in Bullpen Session

A parade may not be necessary to celebrate the 76ers winning the Summer League Championship. In fact, that’s just downright dumb. Parades cost money–even though everyone is supposedly volunteering. Instead the team will silently celebrate in a more humble fashion, which probably involves a trip to Applebee’s paid for by Head Coach Brett Brown. As meaningless as winning the Summer League Championship is, it’s the best the team can do for the imminent future.

More big news out of Philadelphia as starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick threw a gem in a bullpen session yesterday. Not a single hitter was said to have reached base. Kendrick’s noted inconsistency throughout his time with the Phillies may be over as long as he can take this impressive outing with him into his next start later today. The real key is keeping the Washington Nationals from even stepping up to the plate. To aid this the Phillies have covered the visitor’s locker room in asbestos.

Nerlens Noel Shines in Exhibition Game – Virgin Brags to Girls about Masturbation Skills

The 76ers first pick from the 2013 NBA Draft Nerlens Noel finally laced up his shoes and hopped on the basketball court late last week when he took part in an exhibition game in the summer league. Noel was absolutely dominant. Fans of the team are very confident he will become the superstar they hoped he would.

In related news, local virgin Drew Galperin of Haddonfield, New Jersey has been going around his school bragging to girls about how great he is at masturbation. None of the girls, except for the ones who happen to be 76ers fans who were impressed by Noel’s performance, are buying into what Galperin is selling.

“Anyone can be good when it doesn’t count,” said Emily Wiener who due to her last name has been forced into sleeping around more. “We’ll see how [Galperin] does when he actually has some pressure on him and if he can keep it up.”

Noel should be healthy enough to begin the 2014-2015 season on the opening day roster. Galperin is mentally unstable enough to have a nervous breakdown this summer and land himself in a place where he will be supervised 24 hours a day.