Flyers Not Out of the Playoff Race Yet – Tom Cruise Not Out of the Closet Yet Either

The Flyers are holding onto dear life as they hope to earn one of the wild card spots which puts them in the postseason. Injuries to Steve Mason and a lack of offense from everyone except like three fucking guys has them treading water.

Thankfully, the Flyers are not out of the playoff race yet. Mathematically their odds are not good, but there’s still time to gain ground.

Completely unrelated, actor Tom Cruise is not out of the closet yet. The star of the silver screen professes his love of women by jumping on couches and beating Oprah Winfrey at mercy with both hands.

Thankfully, Cruise still has time to come out of the closet. Mathematically it will hurt the iconic roles he has played on the past while actually gaining favor with the gay community.

The only thing left to decide is whether the Flyers make the playoffs first or if after decades of speculation Cruise admits how his favorite scene he’s been a part of was the volleyball one in Topgun.

Greg Goldberg Called Up by Flyers

The constant Steve Mason injuries have led to a few rough weeks for the Flyers. Ray Emery struggled as did Robert “Plant” Zeppelin in net. This has led to the call up of the first Jewish goaltender in Flyers history in the post-Holocaust Era: Greg Goldberg.

A Philadelphia native who spent his youth in Minnesota, Goldberg came to prominence in the Goodwill Games as the backup goaltender behind Julie “The Cat” Gaffney. Goldberg’s career highlight, though, was scoring the game winning goal in a high school JV vs Varsity match. Goldberg played defense that season due to his father’s cheapness toward not spending money on goalie equipment. As mentioned earlier, he’s Jewish.

“The greatest benefit of Goldberg is his girth,” said former goalie and now general manager for the Flyers Ron Hextall. “He’s a fat kid and takes up most of the net. It’s all you really need these days for a successful goaltender.”

Although the job is not his on a permanent basis, Goldberg believes one day he could start for the Flyers more regularly. Already, he’s unafraid of being hit by the puck thanks to the one time his former coach, Gordon Bombay, strapped him to the net and had everyone shoot pucks at him while chanting his name.

“I am Goldberg the Goalie,” said Goldberg before making a growling sound.

Steve Mason Injures Eye While Reading

Flyers goalie Steve Mason suffered what is being called a “fluke injury” after reportedly straining his eyes while reading a book in dark light. The goaltender was so enthralled with the second Twilight book, he couldn’t be bothered to turn on a light as he continued on to discover what happened next.

“I feel like I let my team down,” said Mason. “It’s like when Jacob told Bella he’d look out for her and then his promise didn’t come true.”

Mason was placed on the disabled list until he recovers. The Flyers will go with Ray Emery in net for the time being and Mason will switch to audio books. He will, of course, listen to it very gently. Just two months ago, Mason injured his ear drums while listening to a loud local car commercial and missed three weeks.

Flyers’ Goalie Steve Mason Unable to Save the Part of Puck in Community Production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”

The Vezina Trophy on the top of Steve Mason’s toilet may soon have company. The Flyers goalie recently tried out in a local theaters production of Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” where he was cast as the practical joking fairy Puck.

The original role had belonged to Ilya Bryzgalov however after multiple attempts to lobotomize him the director gave up all hope on ever finding his brain. Mason received the call and eventually the role.

Unfortunately Mason’s acting doesn’t go beyond pretending to be a goalie. Despite hours of hard work, Mason could not save the part of Puck.

Multiple reviews have called the performance weak. One critic was reportedly diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after watching the performance.

Mason’s journey as an actor appears over already. Maybe the bright lights of the stage were just too much for him to handle.

The Invisible Man Replaces Steve Mason as Flyers’ Starting Goalie

The Flyers went out and made a big signing today when they inked a deal with free agent goalie The Invisible Man. Poor starts from Steve Mason and Ray Emery have led them to this move and it has not yet been determined which of them will be dropped from the roster.

Griffin, as The Invisible Man is known around the league, is the only known invisible person in the world. A veteran goaltender who won the 2004-2005 Vezina Trophy with the Winnipeg Jets, Griffin hopes to turn the season around for the Flyers.

“The advantage with Griffin in net he’s much better than Mason and Emery,” said Head Coach Craig Berube. “Although we’re not even sure he actually exists, I feel a lot better with nothing between the pipes than I do the other options available.”

Indeed, there is no actual proof of Griffin’s existence. Desperate for wins, the Flyers are willing to risk it because as Berube already said, nothing is better than what they already have.

Sting Makes Surprise Appearance as Flyers’ New Goalie

Wrestling legend Sting made a surprise appearance at Flyers’ practice today as it was announced he would be replacing Steve Mason in net as the team’s goaltender for the immediate future.

Sting, a washed up veteran of a fictional sport, drew cheers from the fans viewing the open practice at the Flyers Skate Zone when he descended from the rafters and reminded us of 1997.

Internet rumors had been circulating for weeks about a possible return by “The Icon” to the spotlight. Overly excited due to the ridiculous infatuation with their childhood, Flyers fans in their 20s and 30s will be rocking face paint and kayfabe boners at the next Flyers home game.

Most likely this was less a transaction about improving the team and more about giving the fans something to cling hope to. At only $9.99 a month for the Flyers Network, many more may decide to clumsily purchase it even though the programming can all be found on YouTube now that there is an old guy on the roster for everyone to reminisce about.

Steve Mason Blames the Brightness of Backup Goalie Ray Emery for His Slow Start

Sometimes a headline with a picture is all that’s needed and allowed by society. This is one of those moments.

Steve Mason Blames Extremely Bright Child for His Poor October

A new day means a new excuse from Flyers’ goalie Steve Mason for why he started this season so bad.  Mason now claims the source of his struggles was an extremely bright child named Randy.

Randy, a third grader in Germantown, is like any kid his age with an IQ in the 400s; calculated by Randy himself. Randy is said to be so unbelievably bright that he glows in the dark. This is of course just a joke as the real reason Randy glows is because he was born in a hospital that shared a water source with a nuclear power plant.

Why though would a child have such an effective on Mason? Many believe Mason is simply intimidated by Randy’s smarts and a little frightened by what he can do. Fear of children is nothing new as approximately 80% of the country shares it. The other 20% are pedophiles.

Mason has not commented further on Randy or how his existence could possibly have anything to do with being such a bad goalie. Right now getting an answer out of Mason is like asking him to make a save. Some requests are just too ridiculous.

Popular 1970s Toy Lite-Brite Blamed for Steve Mason’s Bad Start

Don’t blame the huge contract or a curse on the position. The real reason why Flyers’ goalie Steve Mason has been sucking is because of the amount of fans showing up to games with the popular 1970s toy Lite-Brite.

As you may or may not remember, the 1970s were a trippy time after all, Lite-Brite was a simple child’s game involving colorful pegs being placed on a board to create a unique image or swear word. It was basically paint by number but with more choking hazards.

The toy eventually lost popularity as it was often blamed for teenage violence. Now that we have video games to scapegoat, Lite-Brite is making a comeback and Mason for one is not pleased.

“I can appreciate a good game when I see one,” said Mason. “I’m also very aware of when and where a game like Lite-Brite should be played. A hockey game just isn’t one of those.”

Currently the Flyers have an open policy on other forms of entertainment allowed into the arena. This policy is due to the fact that Flyers games this year have been pretty boring and not worth watching. Allowing fans to bring in board games ensures a sellout each night.

“If we tell the fans they can’t bring Lite-Brite to the games they may riot,” said Head Coach Craig Berube. “It will be up to [Mason] to adjust and adapt to the colorful lights and to stop making lame excuses.”

Steve Mason Blames Bright Rainbow Appearing Over Center Ice for His Poor Goals Against Average

The goals continue to pile up against the Flyers and Steve Mason and a new excuse has emerged.

“There was a rainbow over center ice last night,” claimed Mason. “Its many shades and bright colors made it impossible to see the puck out there.”

Unfortunately for Mason, nobody else seemed distracted or even noticed a rainbow occurring indoors. According to rainbow expert, some gay guy, this would have been the first time a rainbow occurred naturally under a roof.

Questioning his sanity and ability to see, Mason will be meeting with a visual specialist to work things out. If he still insists that the laws of nature were broken and there was a rainbow indoors then the team plans to sell him to an Eastern European team where he will never be heard from again.