Kim Kardashian’s Ass Will Host 2016 Super Bowl

In an attempt to show favor to females, NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell announced this morning that the 2016 host of the Super Bowl will be Kim Kardashian’s ass. The event, predetermined to include the New England Patriots, has the chance to take place inside the biggest arena ever.

“We want as many fans as possible to see this event live,” said Gooddell. “There’s no arena on earth with the same capacity as [Kardashian’s] ass so it seemed the obvious host-site.”

Performing at half-time will be Kardashian’s husband, Kanye West. Considering where the event is taking place, many parents are concerned what act he will be performing whether it be lewd and sexual or just egotistical and musical.

Mark Sanchez Credits Center Jason Kelce’s Small Ass for Success

From out of nowhere, Mark Sanchez has emerged as the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. In doing so he has surprised everyone and possibly saved the season. How though could someone written off as a talented player find so much success in such a demanding city like Philadelphia? The answer may lie between the sweet cheeks of center Jason Kelce’s ass.

“In New York we had this guy playing guard named Brandon Moore,” Sanchez began. “In Philly we have [Kelce]. Now I’m not one to look at a man’s ass too often, but the first thing I noticed about Kelce was how flat his butt was.”

Not entirely incorrect, Sanchez’s initial reaction to Kelce does have some truth to it. Kelce ranks in the lower-half in butt size among centers currently in the NFL. Moore had consistently been in the Top 5 for two years straight when the infamous Butt Fumble occurred. Thanks largely, or should we say smally, to the lack of size in Kelce’s posterior, Sanchez is far less worried about repeating a horrible part of history.

“There’s a real boost of confidence knowing the only guy whose butt might cause me to fumble has an ass like an Asian chick,” Sanchez said. “His ass is so flat it was mistaken for Keira Knightley’s chest.”

As Sanchez continues to express his interest in offensive linemen with small butts to help avoid history repeating itself, the Eagles have decided not to sign free agent whore Kim Kardashian.

Armenian Women Everywhere Growing Large Playoff Hockey Beards

Who knew Armenian women were such big hockey fans? Probably not their husbands. They hate letting women talk!

This NHL playoff season has had a noticeable amount of Armenian women across the country showing support for the hometown team by growing large mustaches, beards, and other body hair.

“It’s really encouraging to see the whole city interested in our playoff run,” said Flyers’ defenseman Andrew MacDonald. “Drunk assholes, that’s expected. The amount of Eastern European women growing playoff beards though, this is a surprise.”

Kim Kardashian, the most famous Armenian of all, has actually been a hockey fan for a long time now. In fact, her playoff beard extends down her chin, wraps around her back, and finishes near her cellulite. Some even say she is a giant beard for husband Kanye West.

All of Philadelphia and its female Armenian population behind them, the Flyers head to Madison Square Garden today for Game 5.

76ers Acquire Kanye West’s Ego to Play Center

The defensive game for the 76ers this season has kept them from winning most of their games. The lack of size has been an excuse for a while now, even though everyone on the team is pretty tall. No center has established himself as a premiere player, leaving the team helpless when it comes to rebounding. Enter the newest player for the 76ers to solve their problems, Kanye West’s ego.

“When it entered I had to look up,” said 76ers forward Lavoy Allen. “The size of it–I had never seen anything so massive.”

Kanye West is probably best known for being  fast rhymer with bad music playing in the background. He is also fucking Stupid. Stupid, the confirmation name for famous prostitute Kim Kardashian.

West’s ego has been in the news lately, declaring that it is his generation’s Nelson Mandela. Unfortunately, West disappearing for a few decades may not happen any time soon.

The 76ers are relying heavily on people with bad music taste to help inflate the ego even more.

“He’s so self-centered the only thing that made sense was to put him at the center position,” said coach Brett Brown when asked what position the ego will play. “Maybe if we have something so offensively large down court we could stop teams from scoring 125 every night.”