A Look at Chip Kelly’s Fantasy Football Team

Philadelphia Eagles v Washington Redskins

Normally a fantasy football draft won’t take place until after the offseason and draft when rosters are close to final. Eagles coach Chip Kelly never does anything like normal, including peeing while doing a handstand, which is why he’s already had his fantasy draft.

According to leaked photos, Kelly’s fantasy roster includes the following players:

DeMarco Murray
Sam Bradford
Kiko Alonso
No wide receivers

Unfortunately the revealing photo of his roster did not capture the rest of this team plucked from all over the NFL – commonplace on fantasy football and not reality.

Eagles Fans Crucify Tim Tebow on Twitter – Now Believes He’s Jesus

New England Patriots v Denver Broncos

As if Tim Tebow needed anymore reasons to think he was holier than thou, Eagles fans absolutely crucified the quarterback this past weekend after news broke that the team was giving him an opportunity to make the roster.

Tebow, a religious man by choice and close-mindedness, now believes this makes him even more like his idol, Jesus Christ.

“Jesus was crucified by the Romans and I’m having it done to me by @Goman66 on twitter,” said Tebow. “Our lives are running parallel. I feel closer to him than ever.”

Tebow now believes he is the chosen one. Multiple signs and similarities to Jesus, like suffering from stigmata and working as a carpenter when his football career wasn’t going so well, have convinced the QB he’s the Christian prophet.

It doesn’t appear as if the Eagles will actually sign Tebow nor did they have any intention on doing so. According to an anonymous source with the team that everyone knows is Fred, the Eagles gave Tebow the opportunity because they felt the offseason circus needed to target a religious audience. It seems to have worked because Kirk Cameron was spotted being homophobic while wearing a Kelly Green Eagles’ throwback jersey earlier today.

DeMarco Murray Thinks the Eagles Can Win the Super Bowl – Suspended for Drug Abuse

DeMarco Murray

Eagles running back DeMarco Murray is very excited to join his new team. In his opening press conference, Murray told a pushy Howard Eskin exactly why.

“I think this team can win a Super Bowl,” Murray said.

Cheers erupted in the small bingo hall where the news conference took place which were quickly followed by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell sending someone to test Murray’s urine.

“We have a twenty tolerance level to misconduct,” said Goodell, referencing the league’s policy of only allowing 20% of its players’ infractions to slip through the cracks. “Clearly, if he thinks the Eagles can win a Super Bowl, he’s on something.”

Before the sample came back from the lab, Goodell handed down a harsh suspension. He believes strongly enough that Murray is in violation of the league’s inconsistent drug policy to which science cannot alter either way.

Murray will now miss all four preseason games. Goodell knows how important each of these games are and without them, Murray may not even make the roster.

In the future, Murray will know that when you’re in Philadelphia, optimism is not welcome.

76ers Not Renewed for Another Season

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Low ratings and even lower win totals have led executives to cancel the 76ers after the current season ends. Fans of the show will be disappointed to learn that after all of these seasons, their favorite sitcom is coming to a close.

“Now I know how Kirk Cameron felt when Growing Pains ended,” said Robert Covington. “The only difference I can think of is I plan on getting laid lots.”

Originally broadcast as a midseason replacement for a show Andy Richter was on, 76ers games won fans over thanks to their colorful characters and predictable outcomes.

Fans of the show may instead enjoy The Walking Dead as it features just as many deaths as the Sixers defense does each night.

Costly Hooking Penalty by Slutty Flyers’ Forward Loses Game

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The NHL has done its best this season to cut down on the amount of sexual activity between players. While the presence of Sidney Crosby and his predatory drive for young males is only outmatched by Jeffrey Dahmer, the league has done an incredible job everywhere else.

Unfortunately for a slutty forward on the Flyers, a hooking penalty late in the third period cost his team the game.

“The right call was made and we paid for it,” said coach Craig Berube. “Our guy was out there slutting around in high boots and a short skirt. He was in clear violation of the rules.”

The Flyers almost escaped the hooking penalty until there was a direct conversation with an official regarding the exchange of currency for lewd sexual acts.

“I don’t know what a Cleveland Steamer is, but I do know there’s no team in the ECHL by that name,” said referee Herbert Moore.

The Flyers will have to work harder at avoiding needless penalties. If their forwards needed the money that badly, they could have done some light modeling before resorting to prostitution.

Upright Citizens Brigade Paying Performers with New York Knicks’ Tickets

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Just two years ago, Upright Citizens Brigade Theater was mauled by the public for not paying its performers in cash. As they explained, working like a slave in front of shitty sensitive hipster audiences was payment enough.

In 2015 things are worse as several improv artists (lazy writing comedians) have blogged about receiving payment in the form of New York Knicks tickets.

Watching the Knicks play might be the only thing in sports more painful than a 76ers game. The difference is, the Knicks have superstar Carmel Tony while the Sixers are actively cold calling people at random asking if they’d like to play.

“It’s not right,” said performer Francesca Stanton in what appeared to be an unprepared statement in true improvisational form. “I would rather sleep my way to the top in the comedy industry than attend a single Knicks’ game.”

Stanton is currently booked for a European tour along with her overused vagina.

It doesn’t appear like things will change anytime soon for UCB and its tactful methods of subtle slave labor. Performers are not required to accept the Knicks tickets, but in this blame the economy for everything time we live in, they need to think of the economy.

Phillies Trade Hated Closer Carl from “The Walking Dead”

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The Phillies phinally phinalized a phantastic trade today when they sent the universally hated team closer, Carl from The Walking Dead, to the Milwaukee Brewers. Who they got back doesn’t really matter. Carl is gone!

Since signing with the Phillies, Carl has been outspoken about the team’s struggles. He also seems to go missing constantly despite not having any place to wander off to.

“The contract was a mistake,” admitted general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “It’s time we move on and start rebuilding.”

Rumor has it, the much more beloved character from the new Star Wars Trilogy, Jar-Jar Binks, will replace Carl.