Pitcher Cole Hamels knew he wasn’t going to win with the Phillies this year. Thanks to some whining and pictures of Ruben Amaro Jr. with another man in his mouth, Hamels was able to convince the team to trade him.
Instead of being sent to another baseball team, Hamels was traded for death row inmate Alexander Alvarez. Alvarez was sentenced to death for several murders in 2007 and was set for execution this summer before the trade.
Now a free man and the Phillies’ ace by default, Alvarez was “thankful” and “ready to get some vengeance on those pig fucks who locked me up.”
Instead of another season of amazing pitching and no run support to back him, Hamels will be killed sometime before the all-star game.
He’s pretty happy about it too as living any longer would have probably led to Hamels taking hostages and the unnecessary deaths of dozens. One man will fry now and the Phillies will clear some money off their books.