The Phillies are in disarray with a combination of poor management, poor play, and poor fans who still think the team is worth watching. No clear signs that they’ll be any better in 2015, they have decided to take a risk and name Mike Schmidt’s mustache as the starting third baseman and cleanup hitter.
“There’s no better option,” said manager Ryne Sandberg while placing a gun into his mouth. “The mustache has power, range, and pick anything hit at it. Just last week I saw the mustache catch a booger.”
With two bad nostrils and a dream, the mustache comes to Philadelphia from Ohio ready to push Cody Asche aside. The mustache is notably far more trimmer than first baseman Ryan Howard, who by some estimates is nearing island size.
Schmidt’s mustache is not the only unusual part of the body that could make the Phillies roster. The team already gave Jim Eisenreich’s Tourette’s syndrome a non-roster invite to spring training to which the Tourette’s responded, “shit shit fuck titties.”