Eagles Willing to do Anything to Get Marcus Mariota, Anything!

marcus mariota eagles

The 2014 Heisman Trophy winner Marcus Mariota is more than a college quarterback with a name eerily similar to an overrated hotel chain. Defeating John Hilton and Frank Motel 6 in the voting, it appears clear that the heart of the Oregon offense could go as high as number one in this year’s NFL draft.

Since Eagles’ coach Chip Kelly once coached at Oregon and the two best options at the position are Nick Foles and Mark Sanchez, the team has made it public that they are willing to do anything to bring Mariota to Philadelphia. The Eagles followed that statement up with a wink to suggest sexual favors were not out of the question.

“I’d blow someone if it meant a star quarterback,” said Howie Roseman. “But hey, I’m not in charge anymore, am I?”

Roseman then went on to explain in detail other acts he would be willing to perform for the first round pick in next year’s draft. He would also apparently be willing to add Matt Barkley as a trading chip if needed.

“We’ll get on our knees if we have to,” said wide receiver Jeremy Maclin. “I’ve got fingers too and I’m willing to use them if it means more catches for me.”

“You’ve seen how I carry one ball,” said LeSean McCoy. “Wait until you watch me carry both of yours into my end zone.”

The innuendo continued further and was eventually at its most profane when Casey Matthews called Mariota “M&M” then referenced melting in his mouth.

Until a team is ready to drop their pants for the Eagles, they will have to assess the situation in a more traditional manner like making a trade without fluids involved.


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