Phillies Lacking a Big Bat in 2015

Big Bat

Ever since Ryan Howard realized he could get paid for doing nothing, the life of everyone working in management, the Phillies have lacked a big bat in the lineup. Focused on fixing this problem in 2015, the team may consider signing one of the large bats spotted near the Chernobyl meltdown.

These bats are rumored to be four feet tall with a wingspan of six feet. The biggest hesitation on the part of the Phillies could be their poor international scouting abilities.

“A big bat could turn this franchise around,” said bench coach Larry Bowa. “We are in dire need of some help and the ungodly creation of a giant bat could be the solution. At the very least, it might scare some people.”

Bowa also pointed out that unlike Jimmy Rollins, bats actually hustle.

No word yet from the Phillies to gage their actual interest, the team needs to strongly consider it since the current lineup is made of mostly members of the 2014 Taney Little League All-Star Team.


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