Teenage depression has reached an all-time high. Can we really blame teens for being so sad with how often XBoxes seem to break? It’s like polio all over again.
No longer are teens the cocky summabitches they used to be. While some experts see this as humility, others suspect the New England Patriots are behind the deflated egos.
In just the last two years teens have been notably less eager to grow up. They’re not working after school and frequently blame something called “the economy” for their lack of income. Similar symptoms have affected people in theirs 20s and 30s as fewer move out from their home because they feel down on themselves.
An NFL investigation, conducted after the fact and at a time where any punishment does not fit the crime appropriately, has concluded that 11 out of 12 teens feel deflated because of the Patriots. Previous propaganda claimed these feelings were due to use of marijuana, however, further research has proven the only side effects of smoking pot us having shitty taste in music and not following through with your promises.
Medical experts recommend teenagers stay away from the Patriots and instead root for a team that plays by the rules – like the Jacksonville Jaguars.