Chip Kelly Gains Even More Power After Drinking Waste from Nuclear Reactor

Eagles' coach Chip Kelly wielding his foam axe of glory.

Eagles’ coach Chip Kelly wielding his foam axe of glory.

Eagles head coach Chip Kelly won the power struggle with general manager Howie Roseman. More powerful than a locomotive with an offense that most as quickly as a speeding bullet, the genius 0-1 in the playoffs record Kelly reportedly drank waste from a nuclear reactor to increase his powers.

Kelly controls the entire football operation side of things for the Eagles and now has taken over all of Philadelphia thanks to his dark green glow at night, super-strength, and invisibility.

“Not all of my powers are perfect,” said the humble Kelly. “For starters, I can only turn invisible in December and January.”

Many are wondering why Kelly would drink such a harmful substance and risk diarrhea and death. The always innovative Kelly knows his protein shakes didn’t work last season so he’s trying to find something better. Turning himself into a human guinea pig – stress on the pig and less on the guinea because he’s Irish, not Italian – Kelly is willing to put anything inside his body to get better.

Similarly, Dallas Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones is willing to put anything inside of his body to help his team. Several weeks ago he let NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell enter him from behind. The result was a playoff loss reversed into a win.

Doubters of Kelly should take a look at this and how effective it was for them even if the Cowboys ended up blowing the game, rather than Goodell, in the end.

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