Big news from Happy Valley as today it was announced the NCAA would reinstate every single one of former Penn State coach Joe Paterno’s wins that had been taken away from him. Each win represented a child raped by Jerry Sandusky so as logic states, it was a fair trade.
“We did all that we could to keep the wins away,” said a spokesperson for the NCAA. “We reported it to our superiors and then blindly looked the other way while failing to consider consequences. The only thing we could do at this point was give the wins back.”
Originally taken away because he employed a pedophile on his coaching staff, Paterno has redeemed himself from the grave. Thanks to his pushy family with no real honors of their own, the wins have returned to Paterno’s list of accomplishments. In the interim, the best thing he had ever done with his life was look like a muppet.
Penn State plans to build an even larger statue in Paterno’s honor, which will forever be a symbol of turning the other cheek and neglecting to follow through with simple morality.