Phillies May Platoon Ryan Howard – Leave Him in the Jungle Like Willem Dafoe


Unable to even guilt someone into taking him, the Phillies may have found a solution for Ryan Howard.

According to Smug Asshole of the Jerkoff Gazette, the Phillies are planning a platoon situation for Howard. Unlike most platoons in baseball which involve splitting time at a position, this one is involves leaving Howard in the jungle to die just like Willem Dafoe’s character Sergeant Elias in the movie Platoon.

Actor Tom Berenger, the man whose character was responsible for Dafoe’s charcater’s death, was contacted by the team to help.

“I’m not sure what the Phillies think I can do,” said Berenger. “I haven’t followed baseball since I was in ‘Major League 2: Not as Good as the First.'”

No help from Berenger, the Phillies may need an alternative. Platooning a player is no easy task and can lead to some seriously hurt feelings. Thankfully when done right, those hurt most are dead and you don’t have to deal with them anymore.


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