Flyers’ Defenseman Mola Ram Rips Out Philadelphia’s Heart

mola ram

Veteran defenseman Mola Ram ripped out the hearts of Philadelphia earlier this week when several breakdowns on the ice led to easy breakaway goals for the opponents.

Ram, a demonic Thuggee priest who performs rituals of human sacrifices in the offseason, is on a one-year contract with the Flyers. Not yet ready to fill up the defense with their talented young core, because who wants to win now?, Ram’s struggles have been getting worse.

“I’m not even sure he understands the game,” said teammate Zac Rinaldo. Coming from Rinaldo, a guy who thinks you get a point for your team each time you sit in the penalty box, Ram must really be confused about the rules of hockey.

“We’re working closely with [Ram] to improve his game,” said general manager Ron Hextall. “It’s a bit of a culture-shock coming to the United States from the Temple of Doom. John LeClair had similar struggles when he moved to the US from Vermont.”

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