Eagles Sign Dennis “The Menace” Mitchell to Stop Mr. “Russell” Wilson


One of the toughest tests for the Eagles all season will take place later today as they go to war with the Seattle Seahawks. The defending Super Bowl champs come to Philadelphia with a potent offense, a potent defense, and at least one person listening on the radio too lazy to search for synonyms.

The Eagles may have to concede to the Seattle defense however they did make a transaction to help them stop quarterback Mr. “Russell” Wilson.

“I’m thrilled to be with the Eagles,” said the newest member of the roster Dennis “The Menace” Mitchell.

An unlikely candidate to help the defense, the 4’5 elementary school student simply known as Dennis the Menace around the league will lineup at outside linebacker with the intention of blitzing all day long.

“We didn’t have to go over much at our walk-through with him,” said Head Coach Chip Kelly. “Dennis knows better than anyone how to get under Wilson’s skin like how he repeatedly rings his doorbell at 3AM in the morning.”

Kelly later went onto explain how he didn’t want to use Mitchell on the defensive line as it would limit his game. Not only does Kelly want Mitchell sacking Wilson, he also wants him picking off passes and innocently watering his houseplants with milk.

It’s unclear whether the Eagles will keep Mitchell beyond this week. There is a chance Mitchell’s persons could find out and ground him, but until that happens we will have to keep speculating.


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