Constipated: Duce Staley Cannot Drop His First Name


Former star running back and now the coach of the position for the Eagles, Duce Staley, is having some difficulty this season.

No, the trouble doesn’t come from anything on the football field. Staley’s woes are his inability to drop his first name. Duce Staley has officially announced that he is constipated.

“At this point I can’t even remember my last bowel movement,” said Staley. “It’s one of those things you don’t pay attention to until it’s gone. Taking a poop, I guess, is like a best friend of the opposite sex who you don’t have a sexual attraction to, but they’re always there for you.”

Staley’s attempts to get his colon to work harder have involved everything from adding fiber to his diet to having the defensive line run headfirst into his stomach. Nothing seems to get the poop moving and Staley appears at his wit’s end.

“I’m so full of shit the 76ers have offered me a job working in their front office,” half-joked Staley while experiencing serious lower stomach pain.

One idea Staley has considered is shrinking LeSean McCoy down then swallowing him. McCoy would then run through Staley’s intestinal track to clear out some space. Since the technology for this does not exist, Staley will stick with eating oatmeal until it does.


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