Miriam Johnson of Philadelphia was honored today with more than a visit from her grandchildren. Miriam, a faithful and loyal Christian who doesn’t fart, was for the first time in her life named more offensive than the Philadelphia Flyers.
Although Miriam has never used a swear word or had sex other than for reproduction, the Flyers have gotten so bad at scoring goals that suddenly the 83-year-old woman who says “fudge” whenever she stubs her toe is more offensive than they are.
“We’re really trying to get the puck in the net more,” said Brayden Schenn. “I know it doesn’t look like we are, but looks can be deceiving.”
Indeed they can be. So far this season the Flyers have looked like an AHL team when really they are in the NHL. They have fooled us all.
Upon hearing the news that she was more offensive than the Flyers, Miriam blushed. She then invited those delivering the news into the kitchen for some homemade cookies. In spite of all of the sweetness, Miriam remains more offensive than the entire Flyers’ roster who seem to get shutout at least once a week.