76ers Finally Win When Tank Runs Over Chinese Student in Rittenhouse Square

hinkie tank

A start to the season so bad that it will become an Urban Legend in 20 years, the 76ers finally picked up a victory last night.

The win, however, did not take place on the basketball court. This was more of a moral victory as it killed someone.

Led by Howard Eskin and anti-Sam Hinkie t-shirts, a group of Chinese students protested the team and their lack of trying. A 45-minute standoff with live cameras rolling at Rittenhouse Square, the 76ers’ tank ran over one of those students.

“We have a plan and it’s going to work,” promised Hinkie as he hosed blood off of the tank. “In the NBA you win with assets. We are acquiring as many as we can.”

Eskin responded by saying, “Hinkie is not acquiring assets–he’s acquiring asshats and he’s the Cat in the Hat hat of those asshats.”

It did not take Hinkie 4-5 years to reply like it does for him to build a basketball team.

“I do not like Howard Eskin, I do not like him, Sam Hinkie I am,” said Hinkie.

“I do not like him on a boat. I do not like him, he’s a goat. I would not like him in my house. I would like to crush him, like a mouse,” he continued.

The Seussian Battle between the two will continue until Philadelphia has a winning basketball team again. Expect Spike Eskin and the Petri dish Hinkie is growing his son in to be the next generation to fight.


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