Phillies Sign Cuban Defective Elian Gonzalez

elian gonzalez

He’s not quite Yosmany Tomas. He’s not even Tomas Perez. We’re not even sure if he’s as good a baseball player as Perez Hilton.

This shouldn’t stop any of us from getting excited about the newest member to join the Phillies’ organization, Cuban defective Elian Gonzalez.

Gonzalez first made headlines back in 2000 when the government intervened and forcefully scared a child into going back home to a shitty country. A decade and a half later, now all grown up, Gonzalez is back in the United States and ready to take the field for the Phillies in 2015.

A left fielder by trade, the Phillies plan to move him over to right field then play a lot of infield and even pitch a bit. The team’s focus seems to be confusing players into being available anywhere on the field. Someone as young as Gonzalez will be easy to ruin very quickly and do serious irreversible damage to his confidence if the United States Government didn’t do that already.

According to those who were at the press conference where Gonzalez inked the deal, “the doors were locked” and “one of the other reporters was farting too loudly to hear anything.”

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