Eagles Working on New Defensive Packages – A Penis with a Gun

Penis gun sculpture

So far the 2014 season for the Philadelphia Eagles has been pretty good. The offense has clicked, special teams has been amazing, and the defense has been better than expected.

With a few exceptions on the defense, everything has run smoothly. This isn’t stopping the team from working on a new defensive package which according to several players on the team is a penis with a gun.

Not all players on the defense will be wearing guns on their penises for defensive matters. They will instead be used in more standard defensive packages like covering it up with their hands or wearing a cup.

“To my knowledge nobody has ever come out with a package this dangerous. This wouldn’t be possible without the leadership of Chip Kelly,” said Eagles Defensive Coordinator Bill Davis with his nose covered in Kelly’s shit.

This new defensive package will help the team defend against just about any play imaginable; except of course for a pass anywhere near Cary Williams or Nate Allen.

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