From out of nowhere, Mark Sanchez has emerged as the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. In doing so he has surprised everyone and possibly saved the season. How though could someone written off as a talented player find so much success in such a demanding city like Philadelphia? The answer may lie between the sweet cheeks of center Jason Kelce’s ass.
“In New York we had this guy playing guard named Brandon Moore,” Sanchez began. “In Philly we have [Kelce]. Now I’m not one to look at a man’s ass too often, but the first thing I noticed about Kelce was how flat his butt was.”
Not entirely incorrect, Sanchez’s initial reaction to Kelce does have some truth to it. Kelce ranks in the lower-half in butt size among centers currently in the NFL. Moore had consistently been in the Top 5 for two years straight when the infamous Butt Fumble occurred. Thanks largely, or should we say smally, to the lack of size in Kelce’s posterior, Sanchez is far less worried about repeating a horrible part of history.
“There’s a real boost of confidence knowing the only guy whose butt might cause me to fumble has an ass like an Asian chick,” Sanchez said. “His ass is so flat it was mistaken for Keira Knightley’s chest.”
As Sanchez continues to express his interest in offensive linemen with small butts to help avoid history repeating itself, the Eagles have decided not to sign free agent whore Kim Kardashian.