Last night on Monday Night Football as everyone tuned in then muted their televisions as soon as Jon Gruden began to talk, the Philadelphia Eagles put a huge beating on the Carolina Panthers. The final score of 613-7 has embarrassed the state of North Carolina so much that they have decided to secede from The Union.
“This loss was tough on all of us,” said North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory. “Can’t even blame that negro quarterback for this one.”
The state held an emergency vote immediately after the game. Knowing the only way to save themselves from a hellish Tuesday of mockery, the state voted unanimously to no longer be a part of the United States.
The absence of North Carolina leaves a huge whole in the country and has made South Carolina look like a total dick.
“Fuck them,” said South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley. “They can suck my titties for leaving us stranded like this.”
Hoping to avoid any association with the former territory known as North Carolina, now renamed Earnhardt in honor of famous dead resident Dale Earnhardt, South Carolina will be changing its name Andy Dickton after the most famous and successful person to ever come from the state, Andy Dick.
Seceding was not the only option for North Carolina, but it was the best. The state had thought of carving “Croatoan” into a tree then randomly leaving town. They decided against this because nobody within the borders of North Carolina is able to write more than their own name.