When the Eagles saw the Carolina Panthers come up on their schedule in mid-November they immediately looked at who would be quarterbacking the team. When they saw it was Cam Newton they figured they were in for an easy ride to victory as most of the team thought this was a brand of camcorder manufactured by the descendants of Isaac Newton.
“We had been preparing all week to face an electronic gadget behind center,” said Connor Barwin. “This is news to us that Cam Newton is an actual person and a pretty good quarterback.”
The Eagles only learned of this fact when Jeffrey Lurie’s best friend Bill Belichick called him up to warn him.
“I was browsing online for a new camera to record other team’s practices when I made the discovery,” confidently admitted Belichick knowing he has full NFL immunity from all wrong-doing. “I had to warn my good friend [Lurie] about this. Cam Newton is not a brand name. It’s a guy!”
Mistakes like this are nothing new. Earlier in the season when the Eagles took on the Washington Redskins they were prepared to face both Kirk Cousins and Robert Griffin III. They had assumed facing Cousins meant playing against their aunt and uncle’s children. For Griffin, they thought they’d be playing against a mythological beast.
“Quarterback names can be misleading,” said Defensive Coordinator Bill Davis. “Did you know Drew Brees isn’t just a friendly gust of wind?”
To further ensure they are better prepared in the future, the Eagles will dedicate far more time to learning which quarterbacks are and are not inanimate objects. So far they have yet to find one that has been. Further research is still needed to be certain.