Jakub Voracek Leading the NHL in Ass Cysts

jakub voracek

Don’t look now, but Flyers’ forward Jakub Voracek is having an MVP caliber season. He’s putting the puck in the net, helping his teammates do the same, and achieving it all while leading the NHL in ass cysts.

Often an overlooked part of anybody’s game, ass cysts are incredibly important for winning hockey games. Hall of Famer Wayne Gretzky had more ass cysts in his career than everyone else which was a big reason why the Edmonton Oilers won so often in the 1980s. The puss leaking from those ass cysts is also where they got the idea for the team name.

Careful not to pop any, Voracek seems to gain an ass cyst nearly every night he’s on the ice.

Voracek’s line-mate Claude Giroux said, “Pimples, acne, psoriasis, genital warts–they’re great, but ass cysts are what this team was missing last year. Nothing is more important for a winning team than having a guy who can get an ass cyst at any time. And trust me; I know a ton about man asses.”

Tonight the Flyers take on the Colorado Avalanche. the team is hot right now and a lot of it is thanks to the warm wash clothes Voracek sits on to help ease the pain of those disgusting lumps near his anus.

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