Phillies Planning on Going From Renee Zellwegger’s Old Face to New Face

renee zellwegger

A lot of changes are coming for the Phillies this off-season. They  need to improve their lineup, rotation, relationship with the fans, television broadcast, attendance, bench, bullpen, fielding, patience at the plate, and a few other small things.

It was announced today by Pat Gillick that the team plans to go from Renee Zellwgger’s old face to her new one.

“Never has a transition been so glaring,” said Gillick. “Like Zellwegger’s old face, the last few years have looked like we were constantly smelling a fart. Like her new face, we plan on–well I’m really not sure what to think of her new face.”

And neither is anybody else.

What’s important to note here is that the once adorable alternative to Meg Ryan now looks closer to Bruce Jenner than an actual human being. Where the Phillies begin with the changes is still a mystery although several threats mailed to those in upper management suggest they leave town.

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