When Eagles’ wide receiver Riley Cooper showed up to Lincoln Financial Field this afternoon he was shocked to discover everyone on the team would be wearing all black uniforms.
“I hate the color black!” declared Cooper. “It’s so slimming and makes me look thinner than I would like to. A large part of my game is my intimidating stature. Black clashes with that.”
Cooper, known by his friends to wear bright flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off whenever he can because he’s classy like that, is questionable for tonight’s game because of his feelings on the color black.
“I will go back there and fight every black uniform I see,” added Cooper.
Upper management in the organization have assured Cooper this black uniform thing is nothing more than a gimmick to line their pockets with a few extra dollars. Cooper appeared satisfied, although he continues to complain about the number of African-American teammates he is forced to share a locker room with.