Overly Sensitive Former Phillies Outfielder Hunter Pence Commits Suicide Over Minor Insults

hunter pence

It has been a while since a player of Hunter Pence’s stature has lost his life while playing. This time, the life came to an end at his own hand.

Pence was found floating face down in McCovey Cove this morning after jumping in. He left an awkwardly written note, which matches his playing style, saying he was hurt by all of the minor insults New York Mets fans and others have hurled at him this season.

Insults such as “Hunter Pence’s favorite meat is spam,” “Hunter Pence’s favorite Back to the Future film is the third one,” and “Hunter Pence I’m going to rape your mother you big-nosed blonde Ginger” are all minor insults that he has had to put up with this season.

“None of us knew he was hurting so bad,” said teammate Angel Pagan. “We thought his dumb smile was him being happy; not dying a little on the inside each time someone teased him.”

Pence’s time in Philadelphia will best be remembered for eating, misjudging fly balls, and having a batting average lower than his weight in the postseason.

In lieu of flowers, the San Francisco Giants have requested a pair of sheers to “trim that hippie Lincecum’s disgusting hair.”


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