Coach Chip Kelly Hires Ferret to Help Players Sleep More


Did you know that ferrets sleep 23 hours a day? Did you also know a gorilla’s erect penis is only 1.5 inches in length?

Only staying on the former of these brilliant animal facts you can use to impress any woman, Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly has hired a ferret to help his team learn how wonderful sleep can be.

Since becoming the team’s coach, Kelly has ordered his players to get around 10 hours of sleep a night. For some this has limited family time and put them behind on last season’s The Walking Dead. For others they appear healthier than ever. Kelly’s hope is with a ferret actually giving them lessons more of the team will abide by his rule of sleeping for half of the day.

“I’m not sure I trust a ferret,” said one anonymous member of the Eagles. He didn’t ask to remain anonymous; he just plays in the defensive backfield so nobody knows him.

So far the Eagles have looked and supposedly felt healthy. How this new ferret on the coaching staff will affect them for the rest of the season, we’ll just have to wait and see or get busy building a time machine.


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