Flyers Have a Very Constipated Offseason with Lack of Movement

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A tremendously boring offseason for the Flyers where there was little movement–other than Claude Giroux’s hands down the backs of male police officers–has doctors worried about the amount of fiber in the team’s diets.

Reportedly, Wayne Simmonds has not pooped since the end of the playoffs and Owner Ed Snyder is full of shit.

“It has to be something with our diets,” said goaltender Steve Mason. “Nobody on this team is pooping. Too bad the playoffs aren’t for a few more months. That’s when we poop the most–usually in important series against big rivals.”

First-year Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall remains unfazed by the lack of movement.

“When the time comes we will make a move,” said Hextall. “Until then we’ll eat more greens and hope we don’t have another elderly defenseman go down with a freak career-ending injury like Chris Pronger’s eye, Kimmo Timonen’s blood clot, and Mark Streit’s elephantiasis.”

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