Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon was suspended for 7 useless games earlier this week for a lewd gesture which included grabbing his crotch and having a puffy racist face. While in America this is seen as obscene, in some cultures it’s actually a friendly greeting.
“I spent several years of my youth helping out indigenous people in Northern Africa,” said Papelbon in defense of squeezing his junk. “Grabbing my crotch was paying homage to them. It’s like when Carol Burnett would tug on her ear–only these people tug on their genitals.”
Papelbon didn’t appeal the suspension because as he put it, “No one would understand the Papelbonian Tribe of Northern Africa.”
The more we learn about this tribe, the more we suspect Papelbon is making it up. This became even more evident when a copy of Krippendorf’s Tribe was seen in his Netflix queue.
Whether they’re real or not, the United States plans to invite the territory the Papelbonians live in and bomb the shit out of it–just in case.