So far in his life, everything for Jon Dorenbos has been long. He’s had a long career, a long relationship with his wife, and even takes his time when eating meals to make them as long as possible. Now with Chip Kelly as the head coach though, the team is looking to find someone, or in this case something, even longer.
Today the Eagles went out and surprised everyone by signing a giant python to compete for the role as the team’s long snapper. Both long and able to snap, Dorenbos finally has some competition.
“I welcome it,” said Dorenbos about having to actually compete for his job this season. “Now I know what it feels like to be a telemarketer and see an Indian person willing to do my job for 500% less of the pay. This python is getting his salary in live rats.”
Many continue to believe Dorenbos’s job is not in jeopardy. This belief comes mostly from the fact that snakes do not have legs to snap the ball between.
“I know that!” said Coach Kelly angrily when pointed out to him how snakes are absent of legs. “We’re nontraditional though. We’re going to do things a new way and if I want a snake snapping the ball then we can make it work until we have to play a pressure game in the playoffs.”