Since joining the Eagles, Brandon Graham has had very little success. People have called him a lot of mean things, the worst being Bust: a pop culture magazine targeted to feminists.
“Don’t they know I am a person and not a magazine?” asked Graham. “I know my play is flat and nobody really needs it–like a magazine; but I do think I serve a purpose.
Graham, the first Eagle currently on the roster with a last name of a cracker since John Saltine on the 1989-1991 teams, still has a lot to prove to ensure people will actually believe he is not a feminist magazine. The first step in proving he is not a magazine might be getting rid of the beer advertisement on his back and to stop spitting all of those magazine renewal cards whenever he goes upside down.
The Washington Redskins may not be having an ideal season however former Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson is very popular in his new DC Area neighborhood.
“He never blocks the driveway,” said neighbor Gus Francona. “We had that problem with our old neighbor, but not [Jackson]. He was even kind enough to bring over my newborn some blocks and let her use them instead of him. He said he had no use for the blocks.”
Other neighbors too have praised having Jackson in the neighborhood.
“Sometimes he’s very active in the neighborhood, then other weeks he just disappears,” said neighbor Daisy Orlando. “I kind of wish he was more consistent with his participation in the Neighborhood Watch program, but I understood he has his football games to play in.”
Going from door to door it seemed like everyone had something nice to say about Jackson. Many neighbors praised him for never going across the middle of the sidewalk when walking, saying he was always courteous and stuck to the outside.
A lot of changes are coming for the Phillies this off-season. They need to improve their lineup, rotation, relationship with the fans, television broadcast, attendance, bench, bullpen, fielding, patience at the plate, and a few other small things.
It was announced today by Pat Gillick that the team plans to go from Renee Zellwgger’s old face to her new one.
“Never has a transition been so glaring,” said Gillick. “Like Zellwegger’s old face, the last few years have looked like we were constantly smelling a fart. Like her new face, we plan on–well I’m really not sure what to think of her new face.”
And neither is anybody else.
What’s important to note here is that the once adorable alternative to Meg Ryan now looks closer to Bruce Jenner than an actual human being. Where the Phillies begin with the changes is still a mystery although several threats mailed to those in upper management suggest they leave town.
Calm down Flyers fans! The team may be off to a poor start however the organization remains optimistic that they can turn things around by March and just narrowly miss the playoffs.
“We’re not a last place team,” said General Manager Ron Hextall. “I can guarantee we will improve down the stretch. I see us finishing somewhere between 9th and 11th in the Eastern Conference this year. Our fans should not give up hope quite yet.”
For a city like Philadelphia where the fans are always looking for an excuse to jump off a bridge (have you seen the options for women to date here?) it’s certainly refreshing to see someone like Hextall keeping things positive.
“The NHL playoffs are too long anyway,” continued Hextall. “Wouldn’t you rather be doing something different in May and June than watching hockey anyway?”
Remember when dying of old age at 13 made life more convenient? Now those pesky doctors are busy finding cures and the average person is living longer than we can tolerate them.
Thankfully, there’s Ebola. Once thought to be a disease people contract from unprotected sex with themselves is now being blamed on footage of the 76ers playing basketball.
“It starts with damaging your eyes,” said Dr. Robert Hamm, a podiatrist from Alaska with a very long yet thin penis. “Then your ears hurt from the amount of whistles you hear from all of the fouls. By the second quarter you’ll feel lethargic and have no will to continue on with your life. That is 76ers basketball. That is Ebola.”
The 76ers have denied these allegations despite multiple people pinky swearing it’s true. More research is needed to official rule anything out. In the meantime, the CDC recommends finding a new basketball team to follow–and so does everyone else.
Going a less traditional route, Eagles’ Head Coach Chip Kelly decided instead of letting his team relax on a bye week he would force them to engage in a bi-week where all players were forced to sleep with their wives and each other.
“Nothing connects a person more than sex,”said Kelly. “I know this because I have no connection to anyone. I do not have sex. I do not need it. I have football.”
Details on who had sex with whom has yet to fully come out. One thing we know for sure is that Darren Sproles is a very popular man in the locker room this week. He can thank/blame his small stature for that.
Dennis Kelly and Brandon Bair have also been spotted holding hands at practice. As two of the tallest players on the team, many are happy to see they found each other.
Coming off being bisexual, the Eagles head to Arizona to play the Cardinals next week. Their defense now familiar on how to pin a man to the ground are hopeful that they can stop Carson Palmer/Kurt Warner/Kevin Kolb/the Skeleton guy/or whoever their quarterback is.
The deal between the Lakewood Blueclaws and Philadelphia Phillies expired this year and already the big league team has found a new and exciting replacement city.
Beginning in the 2015 season, the Phillies will field a Single A team in the fictional Post-Apocalyptic Haven of Terminus.
“I’m a big fan of the Walking Dead,” said General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “It could be because my career is dead and I relate to a lot of the characters, but who knows?”
Before the Terminus Walkers have even thrown their first pitch, there are already pessimistic Phillies fans unsure what to think of the change. From a pop-culture standpoint this is a great idea. Looking at the possible attendance, limited to the population of Terminus, lots of people are questioning when this organization got so dumb.
“Those who arrive survive,” said Mickey Morandini, Manager of the Walkers. “And by that I mean this organization is too cowardice to ever part ways with anyone. You really have a job forever once you get in here.”