Even Meryl Streep Cannot Act Excited for 76ers

38th AFI Life Achievement Award Honoring Mike Nichols - Award Presentation

It was once believed that actress Meryl Streep could play any role. The winner of countless awards for pretending to be someone else, Streep has had a Hollywood career most of us could only wet-dream of. One role, however, that she has been unable to master is the one of a 76ers fan.

The Untitled Project Streep is currently attached to places her right at the center of the current 76ers rebuild. Streep has said she is playing a fan of the team, but has struggled to find the motivation to actual believe this team has a chance at turning things around.

“In Sophie’s Choice I had to choose between my son and my daughter,” said Streep. “In this movie, I have to choose between common sense and fantasy. Thinking the 76ers have any chance at playing so bad that they become good again is the fantasy and I’m just not buying it.”

Pretending to be a 76ers fan has been so hard on Streep that some believe she may even retire once the film is complete.

“She’s beginning to actually look her age,” said Streep’s co-star in the film Chris Burke best known for his role as Corky in Life Goes On. “I understand how she feels though. I’m playing Sam Hinkie and it’s making me question my own integrity.”

The film is set to release in Fall of 2015. By this point, the Sixers are expected to have a winning percentage at around .060.

Roy Halladay Pitches “No Hitter” Anti-Abuse TV Show to Lifetime

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Retired pitcher for the Phillies Roy Halladay is pitching a new kind of “No Hitter.” Instead of taking place on the baseball field, this No Hitter is being pitched to the television network Lifetime.

Halladay has written the pilot to an anti-abuse television series he hopes to create for the most man-hating channel on TV since the all female Korean War comedy GASH on NBC went off the air.

“The show goes into a lot of unfamiliar territory about spousal abuse,” said Halladay. “The relationships of the women in the series are honest to real life. They help each other out and make sure family always comes first. They also don’t let any man boss them around.”

It comes as a surprise to see someone like Halladay turning so soft out of seemingly nowhere. During his playing days he was a man’s man. Perhaps a rugged gay cowboy movie would have been expected, but not this.

When asked if he would watch it, Halladay’s former pitching coach Rich Dubee said, “I never watched anything Halladay did. Was I actually supposed to focus on his mechanics and see if he was doing something wrong? If so, I feel kind of guilty for letting him burn out so quickly in those last two seasons. Damn.”

WIP Operations Manager Andy Bloom Cast as New Fantastic Four Villain – Andy Von Doom

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Sick of Philadelphia sports, WIP Operations Manager Andy Bloom has decided to take his talents to Hollywood. The beloved boss at WIP has been cast in yet another reboot of the Fantastic Four franchise. Bloom will be playing the main antagonist in the film, Andy Von Doom based on his real life persona.

“I’ve always been a big fan of comic books,” said Bloom in between yelling at an employee. “Nobody was going to certainly make a movie about collecting presidential coins, another hobby of mine, so this is the next best thing.”

Fans of the original Fantastic Four franchise have questioned the legitimacy of Bloom’s character. They claim it is a direct ripoff of Victor Von Doom. Since both wear a mask and the identity is never fully revealed, it appears these nerds have nothing serious to complain about other than how noisy their parents are upstairs.

Bloom says he hopes to get involved in more films as his Hollywood career progresses including a possible comedy alongside John Cho, ‘Harold and Bloomar Go To White Castle.”

HAROLD AND BLOOMAR

Biff Tannen Reveals What His Sports Almanac from the Future Says about the 76ers

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Billionaire Biff Tannen can thank his fame and fortune to a sports almanac given to him by his future self. Not an uncommon occurrence by any means, Tannen is the first to capitalize on it.

The almanac in Tannen’s possession is from the year 2045. In it are the scores and results from every major sporting event. When Tannen received it, he was curious why they couldn’t just put that information on the Internet. As future Biff explains, we will find out about that in 2017 if we happen to survive.

We at Phalse Philly Sports were lucky enough to meet with Tannen and get some information on how the 76ers turn out and this current plan to take turn out.

“Not good,” Tannen said. “Things get really grim in 2018 when they relocate to Mexico City. Their rock bottom comes in 2020 when they use their draft pick from the Nets in the Brandon Davies deal to select the Antichrist.”

Tannen confirmed a lack of championships for the 76ers up through 2045. He would however like to remind everyone that although there is nothing that can be done to change the future, fans still have time to make like a tree and get out of here.

Eagles Hosting the Cowboys Tonight and Not Using the Good China

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Tonight the Philadelphia Eagles will host the NFC east rival Dallas Cowboys despite Dallas being nowhere near the eastern part of the country.

After bludgeoning the Cowboys in Dallas on Thanksgiving, the Eagles get their turn to host in Philadelphia. A sure sign of just how gruesome this rivalry has become, the eagles have made it clear that they have no intention on using the good China.

“We hate the Cowboys so much they’ll be lucky if they get a salad fork for their salad,” said Mychal Kendricks. “If it’s up to me, they’ll be eating it with a spork and will get only one serving of dressing.”

In preparation for the big match=up this Sunday night, the Eagles have bought paper products instead of the fancy kind that needs washing. Beverages will be served in red party cups and dinner will be eaten off of those really cheap paper plates where you need two in order to avoid the potato chip grease from coming out the other side.

“Our goal is to make it hell for the Cowboys at game time,” said Trent Cole. “The whole team has boring stories to share with the Cowboys throughout the night about things like vacations and dreams they had. Cody Parky has a really bad four-hour story about kicking things.”

Playing the Cowboys at home, the Eagles have the advantage. They will know simple things like which plays to call and where the bathroom is without having to ask.

Amaro Jr. Spotted Outside Winter Meetings Selling Players from Trunk of Car

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Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. was spotted at last week’s Winter Meetings behaving a little more white trash than usual. The other GMs, the ones with a positive job performance, were forced into talking with Amaro Jr. in the parking lot as he was not allowed access indoors due to the fear he would cause the floor to collapse.

Any deal Amaro Jr. made took place outdoors as he sold off several members of the Phillies from the trunk of his car.

“There was a little dust on Antonio Bastardo, but that’s to be expected from whence he came,” said Pittsburgh Pirates GM, a 17th century knight.

Unlike some other baseball GMs, Amaro Jr. was operating on a cash only system. Many thought of this as foolish since the Phillies need to do whatever it takes to change the direction of this team, which in its current state seems to be in a nose dive into the ocean. The only bonus of this, James Cameron has been considering making a documentary about them.

Amaro Jr. was unable to sell everything however if you visit your local farmers market you may be able to find him there this weekend. For those on your holiday shopping list looking for an overpaid veteran, you know where to go.

Ryan Howard Signs Ankle Splint Deal with Nike

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He may not be in his prime and his statistics may be down more than you when you look at your ex’s Facebook page and realize they haven’t gotten too fat, but there is some positive coming in the life of Ryan Howard.

A deal with Nike for Howard to help promote a new ankle splint was signed earlier this week.

“We had no other choice than Howard,” said a spokesperson for Nike. “We can’t recall anyone ever having such weak heels. He was born for this needless promotion that will give him even more money to expand his gigantic home.”

The target demographic for the ankle splint are the elderly and other members of the Philadelphia Phillies, which ironically are the same two groups of people. Nike expects the splint to hit stores sometime this winter unless the stores are left-handed because nothing involving Howard can hit anything that throws from the left side.