College-Age Phillies Fans Hurt After Jumping Off the Bandwagon

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A group of local college students were injured last night when they jumped off the Phillies Bandwagon. Police are reporting multiple injuries and at least one Ryan Howard Jersey with spit on it.

Following their great run from 2007-2011 it should come as no surprise to see so many young people giving up so easily. As members of the MTV Generation where they no longer play music videos, this is a group of youngsters with no real clear vision on how to appropriately behave anywhere.

Of course not all fans have jumped off the bandwagon. A few of the front-runners were injured when the bandwagon caught up and struck them from behind.

According to ticket sales for the next home-stand, the average age of the Phillies fan expected to be in attendance is 68 which oddly enough also matches the average age of the team.

Last Second Trade Deadline Move: Phillies Trade Fan Loyalty for Another Season of Losing

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A last second trade deadline move today by the Phillies sent the fans’ loyalty to other sports in exchange for another season of losing.

The Phillies moved absolutely no players today, but many of those who have followed closely even through these dark times are suddenly more interested in the Eagles and plan to learn about hockey this upcoming season.

In response to the lack of transactions today, Ruben Amaro Jr. was officially announced as the worst person in America at his job. He’s worse than me and I wrote this at work.

Referees Getting in Shape for Chip Kelly – Have Massive Crush on Him

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What’s it take to get a bunch of old guys with a poor fashion-sense in shape? Apparently it takes bachelor Chip Kelly and the love NFL referees have for him.

Beginning with this upcoming 2014 season, referees are planning to get in better shape in hopes they can impress Kelly.

“I’ve been doing a lot of cardio,” said Steve Stelljes. “I hope Kelly notices!”

“No one has ever been able to win Kelly’s heart and I hope I’m the first,” added Darrell Jenkins. “I heard he likes fish so I’ve mapped out some good restaurants in the area I could take him to.”

Referee Ed Hochuli, best known for his gigantic senior citizen biceps, has made it a point to buy a few extra muscle shirts this offseason with the hope Kelly may want to touch his arms in an admiring way.

Kelly has yet to comment on the love-fest for him. As a man who appreciates healthy-living but not actually practicing it, we can assume Kelly would feel a little out of his element if he were to enter a relationship with any of the referees with girl school crushes on him.

Ryan Howard Switches Places with Lindsay Lohan for a Day

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In what people are calling the biggest publicity stunt since men gave women the right to vote and everyone took it seriously, Ryan Howard and Lindsay Lohan have swapped places for the day. The news comes after Howard insisted that no one wanted to trade places with him and how much everyone loves the movie Freaky Friday.

The day began with Howard (now possessed by Lohan) getting suspended from baseball for life after testing positive for cocaine and flashing his penis on the field while coming out of the dugout.

As for Lohan (now possessed by Howard) she struggled to hit the other people she was in a bar altercation with and could not make any contact with her drug dealer despite numerous text messages and threatening voicemails.

It appears both have learned their lesson. Nobody wants to be either of this tremendously famous people. It’s so much better living paycheck to paycheck and never reaching a childhood dream.

Also, Howard is now contractually obligated to star in Herbie Fully Loaded 2.

Stephen A. Smith Blames Women for Domestic Violence and Black People for Slavery

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Lisping his way through another episode of First Take on a channel made irrelevant thanks to the Internet, Stephen A. Smith made it known last week how he feels about Ray Rice beating up women. Smith described how it is a woman’s responsibility not to give men a reason to hit them. Clearly Smith has never been around another human being ever since all people do is give us a reason to hit them.

On today’s episode Smith continued his diatribe by saying that black people are to blame for slavery.

“We shouldn’t have looked like such good workers,” said Smith. “Black people should have found a better excuse not to become slaves. They should have told their masters they had other things going on.”

Smith, an expert on history and the human-condition, continued by saying he would have never been a slave. Then he had to turn down an offer to appear on another network due to contractual obligations to ESPN.

Women, black people, and especially black women are very upset with Smith right now. Instead of issuing an apology he has blamed them for taking anything a buffoon like him says too seriously. He does have a point. When has Stephen A. Smith ever provided the world with any important knowledge?

Ryne Sandberg Accidentally Kills Ryan Howard

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Phillies Manager Ryne Sandberg is being investigated by police for reportedly killing automatic out Ryan Howard.

Sandberg issued a statement saying, “I did not kill Ryan Howard. I was just giving Darin Ruf a chance to live.”

Howard’s death occurred when Sandberg performed an emergency heart transplant. Ruf had gone into cardiac arrest so thinking quickly Sandberg cut out Howard’s heart and placed it into Ruf’s chest.

“It was a real risky move,” explained Sandberg. “I wasn’t sure based on the way he has played these last few years if Howard even had any heart left. Luckily I found a pea-sized one still existing; probably because he has a beautiful wife and a child on the way and millions of dollars.”

A funeral service will be held for Howard during the next home stand. Fans are expected to not notice the difference.

 

Nerlens Noel So Weak He Cannot Even Signup on Bodybuilding Forum

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“Where’s the beef?”

This is what 76ers fans are asking whenever they see nude photographs of Nerlens Noel. Rail thin without any muscle tone to speak of, Noel made it a mission this summer to gain some strength.

In his first step to looking more human Noel attempted to signup on a bodybuilding website’s forum. Failed captcha attempts and no confirmation email from the site has left him weak and without any knowledge as to how he can finally get over 80 pounds.

Clearly frustrated, Noel attempted to punch a hole in a wall only to then fracture his skull as a result. It looks as if Noel will continue his daily diet of vegetables and staring at pictures of cheeseburgers until technical support can help him out with this one.