Breaking News: Donovan McNabb Arrested for DeSean Jackson Affiliation

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Former Eagles’ quarterback Donovan McNabb was arrested earlier today in Arizona for an alleged connection with known gang member DeSean Jackson.

“The suspect was seen at an autograph signing in an empty line wearing similar colors to that of Jackson,” said arresting officer Bert Landon. “It was a green jersey with the image of an Eagle on it. We are pretty sure this is some sort of gang affiliation he has with other black men.”

Other white people reported seeing McNabb flashing gang signs such as raising his thumb to an adoring fan.

We will have more news on this as it develops, but if people in Arizona get their way McNabb will be deported back to where he comes from. Judging my his last name and skin color it’s some sort of Irish settlement in Africa.

Joe Banner Offers Opinion on NFL Draft – “Give Ryan Leaf Another Shot”

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Former Eagles’ roadblock to a championship Joe Banner sat down for an interview with himself and a webcam to offer his opinion on what teams should do at the NFL Draft this year. Banner, never short on bad ideas, said he thinks quarterback Ryan Leaf should be given another chance to succeed.

“Before you call me crazy, let me explain,” said Crazy Joe Banner. “John Elway didn’t win a Super Bowl until right before he retired. What if the Denver Broncos had given up on him so early? Leaf should be given the opportunity to develop further. Of course, once he is paroled from prison.”

Since visitation hours were complete when we arrived, we were unable to reach Leaf for comment. Leaf is currently serving a sentence in a Montana Prison that because of the state’s low population, we can only imagine looks something like the jail cell from The Any Griffith Show.

Are the Eagles stupid enough to consider drafting Ryan Leaf?

Absolutely, maybe.

LeBron James Auctioning Off Signed Douchebag Kit

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Tonight the 76ers play the Miami Heat in South Florida. As the team’s Front-runner’s Appreciation Day, LeBron James will be auctioning off an autographed replica of himself.

Seen by some as an egotistical move, others defend James. Justifiably so, James is not required to sign autographs for anyone or to treat the fans with respect ever. He is an NBA player and better than you, me, and everyone else we know – unless of course we know LeBron James because he is equal to the greatest NBA Player of all-time.

As the final game of the season for the Sixers, the pending loss will be the pulled plug on a sickly season.

Ben Revere Sex Tape Leaked – “Shows His Speed and Lack of Power”

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Phillies center fielder Ben Revere recently had a sex tape leak onto the Internet. Thinking he was uploading a video of him shaking hands with the fans, Revere accidentally put up a video of him engaging in sexual activity with his wife online.

Viewers of the sex tape concluded that Revere’s speed and lack of power on the field extend to the bedroom.

“It was over in only a few seconds,” said Melanie Gillespie, an overweight college student at Drexel who continually sleeps with men who don’t respect her.

“The guy has no power,” said local pornographic actor Chase Buttley, a clear nod to the Phillies second baseman Chase Utley. “He’s all knees and no hips. He has to work on his hip drive.”

Revere apologized to fans for the error and subjecting them to watching him fornicate.

Meanwhile teammates are working hard to create their own sex tapes. Look for these titles accidentally hitting Twitter any day now.

I Like it Ruf starring Darin Ruf

Big Floppy Diekman starring Jake Diekman

Horst Penis 3 starring Jeremy Horst

Ashy and Asche: An Interracial Porn starring Cody Asche and several ebony pornographic actresses

School Bans Boy From Wearing 76ers Backpack – “Trigger for Bullying”

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Straight A student, frequent volunteer, and obnoxious overachiever Francis Putnam is your average disliked by the cool kids middle school student. Never did Putnam think he would get in trouble until Principal Herbert Douglas called him into his office for a talk.

A frequent victim of bullying, Principal Douglas wanted to speak to Putnam about his backpack which contains the logo of the Philadelphia 76ers.

“The kid was just asking to get bullied,” said Principal Douglas. “Doesn’t he know about the Lakers or the Heat? Kids are supposed to be disloyal frontrunners. Why root for the Sixers?”

Principal Douglas took the backpack from Putnam and replaced it with a plastic bag from Acme with a shit stain on it to cut down on the bullying. A letter was sent home later that day to all parents and that one adopt kid’s guardians banning all items with the 76ers’ logo on it.

Putnam’s mother, Beverly, said to local reporters how she felt her son’s rights had been “violated” and that is within his right to get “his head shoved into a toilet while he gets punched in the balls.”

The real question here is whether or not the school is protecting students like Francis Putnam from bullying or just giving bullies a few tips on the kids they should pick on.

“Safety of the students is my number 11 priority,” said Principal Douglas. “If you don’t believe me then why do you think I make kids get a permission slip signed in order to carry a concealed weapon?”

New Mike to Join 975 The Fanatic Broadcasting Team – A. Microphone

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975 The Fanatic has announced the signing of a new on-air personality to join the already thrilling and original broadcast team. Joining Mike & Mike in the morning and Mike Missanelli in the afternoon drive along with clips of his show played throughout the entire day, the station has added a new Mike, A. Microphone.

A. Microphone hopes to bring the same intelligent sports talk to the station. While some listeners have already voiced their concern and have accused A. Microphone of being an inanimate object, station officials insist his name alone give him sports merit even if he has no soul and was built in China.

The first show will air later this week and will featured heavy feedback from an intern holding a cell phone up to him. This still more interesting than 80% of what is already on air.

Young Flyers Team Vows to Lose Virginity Before the Playoffs

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Entering the 2014 playoffs, the Flyers go in as an incredibly young team. Led by players inexperienced on the ice and in the bedroom, the team looks to take it one at a time beginning with their sex lives. Each member of the roster has taken a pledge similar to the plot of American Pie to help each other lose their virginities.

Self-proclaimed ladies man and the only one to ever cop-a-feel of a boob Wayne Simmonds credits his racial background and certain stereotypes for his success. Technically still a virgin, he is just one of many looking to become a man willing to risk ruining his life by ejaculating a little too early or hard.

The team’s oldest player Kimmo Timonen is most eager to finally lose his V-Card as jokes about him becoming the 40-year-old virgin are beginning to wain.

“It wasn’t even that good of a movie,” Timonen said. “It was like everything else Apatow has put out. A bunch of friends laughing at each other’s jokes for 3 hours.”

Several players have already come up with strategies to help gain attention of certain ladies. Scott Hartnell has a dirty pick-up line where he references his hometown of Regina, Saskatchewan. Brayden and Luke Schenn have been pulling double-duty with one woman on dates, comically switching in the middle of dinner. Tough guy Zac Rinaldo says he will “just punch and drag” any woman he wants to insert himself into.

The playoffs beginning this upcoming week, it’ll be a busy Saturday night for the orange and black.