Fletcher Cox Changes Name to Fletcher Cock to Neutralize Expectations for Women

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Fletcher Cox has had a pretty good season on the football field. He’s actually making tackles and thanks to this is becoming hit with women willing to sleep with anyone on television. So far the only negative Cox has had from all of the attention is the expectation women have for him.

“I blame my last name,” said Cox. “When women hear it, they perk up. They think they’re about to get double the pleasure when in fact I only have one penis.”

Cox, a bearer of a uni-peni, believes the phonetic pronunciation of his last name and its similarity to the plural version of cock has mislead the public into thinking he is bi-peni, tri-peni, qui-peni, octa-peni, etc.

“He’s only got one penis,” confirmed teammate Connor Barwin, the team’s designated penis checker. “As far as size goes, it’s average. Ladies, don’t get your hopes up. Cox can only penetrate one hole at a time.”

Hoping to limit the expectations, Cox will be changing his last name to Cock. The no people with jerseys of his are rather upset however in this age of irony reigning supreme, are a little happy about owning a jersey of a guy who apparently no longer exists.

KJ McDaniels’ Mom Uses the Internet in the Best Way Possible: Whining

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Most of our moms are clueless when it comes to technology. They don’t understand the difference between a toaster and a vibrator or which one you shouldn’t stick a fork inside of.

The mother of 76ers rookie KJ McDaniels is an exception to this as she fully understands how to utilize the internet to its full capacity for its highest purpose: whining.

Ms. Chapman McDaniels recently tweeted from what we can at least assume was an outdated personal computer brand like a Dell, her frustrations with the team. Lady McDaniels is upset that her son has yet to experience a win in an NBA game and it’s totally not partly his fault at all is it?

After locking herself out of Twitter when she forgot her password then spent two days trying to reset it because the text size on her computer was too small to read, McDaniels responded to a tweet from Russell Simmons with a passive aggressive comment about the 76ers and their losing ways. When she got no response from Russell Simmons, she made a similar comment to fitness guru Richard Simmons, but by accident because she’s someone’s mom and that usually makes a woman a little less coherent.

McDaniels has since deleted her Twitter account by which we can assume was an accident. Her online time will probably now be spent on Pinterest looking at other people’s wedding photos.

Phillies Sign Cuban Defective Elian Gonzalez

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He’s not quite Yosmany Tomas. He’s not even Tomas Perez. We’re not even sure if he’s as good a baseball player as Perez Hilton.

This shouldn’t stop any of us fromĀ getting excited about the newest member to join the Phillies’ organization, Cuban defective Elian Gonzalez.

Gonzalez first made headlines back in 2000 when the government intervened and forcefully scared a child into going back home to a shitty country. A decade and a half later, now all grown up, Gonzalez is back in the United States and ready to take the field for the Phillies in 2015.

A left fielder by trade, the Phillies plan to move him over to right field then play a lot of infield and even pitch a bit. The team’s focus seems to be confusing players into being available anywhere on the field. Someone as young as Gonzalez will be easy to ruin very quickly and do serious irreversible damage to his confidence if the United States Government didn’t do that already.

According to those who were at the press conference where Gonzalez inked the deal, “the doors were locked” and “one of the other reporters was farting too loudly to hear anything.”

Ron Hextall Literally Explodes After Flyers’ Loss to the Rangers

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General Manager Ron Hextall thought his first year with the Philadelphia Flyers would be easier. They had a lot of young talent on the roster and looked like they could get the fans excited with a new young defensive core. Injuries however put a chink in the plan and Hextall felt the brunt of it when he literally exploded today from all of the frustration.

Police are investigating whether foul play was involved or if the Flyers are really bad enough to cause a man to explode.

To test this, game footage from Wednesday night’s contest against the Rangers was shown to a group of volunteers and a few Illegal Immigrants. Those conducting the study explained that most participants described feelings of nausea however none actually died; except for two who were murdered on their way home by a drunk driver and a third who was the drunk driver that hung himself after feeling grief stricken.

In Hextall’s absence, a dart board will take over as the interim GM. Many suspect it will not change a thing.

Roger Goodell Announces the Super Bowl Half-Time Show Will Be Hosted by Comedian Bill Cosby

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Whatever hack pop-star that was originally scheduled to play the Super Bowl half-time show this February has dropped out. Things could have gone bad, but we do have one man looking out for our entertainment and the safety of players.

Thinking quickly on his toes and without any regard to consequence or women, NFL Commission Roger Goodell decided to go a different route than the traditional one of having a musical act during the intermission. Instead, this upcoming Super Bowl half-time will have a comedic performance by beloved funny man Bill Cosby.

“Nobody will want to fall asleep during this performance,” said Goodell. “Cosby’s back and he doesn’t need your consent to make you laugh!”

Goodell is hopeful that bringing such a family-friendly comedian to the Super Bowl will leave everyone pleased and unoffended.

“This is going to be a half-time show nobody will forget and all will be too afraid to bring up again,” said Goodell.

Cosby will be the first comedian to perform at the half-time show. Although nothing is currently confirmed, the pre-game may feature an exchange of vows between Charles Manson and his current fiance.

Eagles Working on New Defensive Packages – A Penis with a Gun

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So far the 2014 season for the Philadelphia Eagles has been pretty good. The offense has clicked, special teams has been amazing, and the defense has been better than expected.

With a few exceptions on the defense, everything has run smoothly. This isn’t stopping the team from working on a new defensive package which according to several players on the team is a penis with a gun.

Not all players on the defense will be wearing guns on their penises for defensive matters. They will instead be used in more standard defensive packages like covering it up with their hands or wearing a cup.

“To my knowledge nobody has ever come out with a package this dangerous. This wouldn’t be possible without the leadership of Chip Kelly,” said Eagles Defensive Coordinator Bill Davis with his nose covered in Kelly’s shit.

This new defensive package will help the team defend against just about any play imaginable; except of course for a pass anywhere near Cary Williams or Nate Allen.

Steve Harvey Helps Ryan Howard and Family Settle Feud

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The least popular host in the history of the game show Family Feud–other than Richard Karn who was only ever referred to as “Al” from Home Improvement by contestants–Steve Harvey has lent a helping hand to Ryan Howard and his family. An expert at pitting families against each other to answer stupid questions asked of even stupider people, Harvey has agreed to counsel the Howards in solving all of their problems.

News broke this week that Howard’s family had been stealing money from him. Since Howard has only earned a fraction of what the Phillies are paying him right now, his family is really stealing money from all of us so we have even more reason to not care about this or feel bad in the least bit.

Harvey will train the Howards to work together while competing for $20,000 and a chance to come back the following day. Since $20,000 is the average cost of a Ryan Howard toilet paper roll, it doesn’t seem like a victory will really do much to solve the dispute.

Meanwhile, Howard continues to live in a giant fucking mansion while we’re supposed to feel bad for him and his shitty family.

And meanwhile, I live in a small apartment and don’t have any money for my family to steal so they take up my time with phone calls telling me “they’re worried” and “think I should seek help.”