Entire Atlanta Braves Team Commits Suicide After Being No-Hit by Cole Hamels and the Bullpen

hamels no hitter

A delightful surprise today from Phillies Land as Cole Hamels and the bullpen combined for a no-hitter against the Atlanta Braves. Hamels pitched 6 innings before realizing he left his garage door open and had to run home to close it. ThisĀ led to Manager Ryne Sandberg taking him out for a pinch hitter. The bullpen continued to keep the Braves hitless until Jonathan Papelbon got the final out.

Immediately following the game, the Braves committed suicide together.

“Losing to the Phillies is bad enough,” said Justin Upton right before blowing out his brains. “We couldn’t even get a single hit!”

Justin Upton’s brother, BJ Upton, didn’t seem shocked by the lack of hits. As he says, “2 out of 10 make an Upton.”

Certainly the position players had every right to kill themselves. The pitchers however might be even more ashamed as they gave up 7 runs to this offense including a bases loaded triple to Ben Revere.

“I don’t deserve to live!” yelled Julio Teheran as he doused himself in gasoline then lit a match. “Ahhhh!” he continued.

Since this was only the first game in the series, the Braves will have to forfeit until they can rebuild a team. For the Phillies this means a few extra wins and still a zero percent chance at the playoffs.

Eagles Make Final Cuts – First Team in History Lacking Foreskin

circum

Vince Lombardi once said, “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. And men should all keep their foreskin.”

Often times the second part of this famous quote is overlooked, but he definitely said it.

Going against tradition, Chip Kelly has had every single one of the Eagles checked for foreskin. Those who were never circumcised have been cut and now carry around with them a regular v-neck instead of a turtle neck.

Only about 12.8% of the time still had their foreskin intact. Many, having grown up in America, had parents who valued cleanliness over having a gross hog. Those receiving the circumcisions will be placed on injured reserve until their bodies and egos heal.

Notably, Nick Foles had the biggest foreskin to remove. According to Connor Barwin, “it took a chainsaw to get it all off.”

A team never short on charity, theĀ Eagles plan to donate the extra skin to burn victims and the homeless. The burn victims will use it to create scary new faces (but with skin!) and the homeless will build tents in hopes they can survive the winter.

Steve Coates Moves to Radio After Horrific Motorcycle Accident Damages His Face

steve_coates_2011_09_29

This upcoming Flyers season will be a bit different from the last few as Steve Coates and Chris Therien will be switching roles and wives.

Coates will take over for Therien on the radio side of things and “Bundy,” as Therien has been referred to as because he kills women in the offseason, will join the television broadcast.

The news was a bit of a surprise to most, but the alleged reason is because Coates was involved in a horrific motorcycle accident back in June. The accident permanently damaged Coates’ face and Jim Jackson is worried it will scare children away from the broadcast.

Luckily Coates was already so severely brain-damaged, as proven during every Flyers’ broadcast, that the flesh being torn from his face was the only effect. Police originally believed Coates was intoxicated when the crash took place. After a blood test revealed he had no alcohol in his system, although they did discover he had Down Syndrome, Coates was treated at the hospital properly instead of like a savage as nurses are instructed to do for drunk drivers.

Coates is excited for the new adventure with co-host Tim Saunders, who realizes he must have been a child-murderer in his past life to deserve this.

Ruben Amaro Jr. Compares Domonic Brown to The Shawshank Redemption

shawshank redemption

Last week Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. smoked a bong then compared outfielder Domonic Brown to Mike Schmidt.

“They’re both baseball players and strikeout a lot,” was the argument Amaro Jr. made.

This week, Amaro Jr. is taking back his words and comparing Brown to something else, the classic film The Shawshank Redemption.

Like the first, this comparison has also left people somewhat puzzled and biting their own thumbs in anger. Brown had very high expectations and not lived up to them except for three weeks in 2013. The Shawshank Redemption was not overly hyped and yet remains as one of the most universally beloved films of all-time even though it came out the same year as the Street Fighter movie.

“Well, ya see, the film is about a man imprisoned and he escapes through a giant hole,” said Amaro Jr. “Brown is trapped in a prison of a batting average below .230 and the hole in his swing is as big as the one in the movie.”

Looking it over, Amaro Jr. actually has a good point.

Amaro Jr. later added, “Each time Brown goes out to left field and has to pass by his teammates it’s like crawling through five hundred yards of shit.”

Finally, Amaro Jr has grasped how everyone else feels about his team.

Michael Vick Claims He Saved Riley Cooper’s Career – Also Insists ASPCA Commercials Are Hilarious

Philadelphia Eagles v Atlanta Falcons

Former Eagles quarterback Michael Vick might be wearing New York Jets’ green this season, but he continues to remind us all that he spent some time in Philadelphia.

Vick has been outspokenly upset in recent days about the lack of text messages he has received from former teammate Riley Cooper after Vick congratulated him on his new contract. Cooper has since replied, stating the texts went to a separate folder in the back of his message log. Cooper claims this is because three years ago he made the mistake of downloading a Jim Crowe App.

“I was hurt that I didn’t get a response because I feel like I defended [Cooper] after the Kenny Chesney concert incident,” said Vick.

This incident, showing up at Kenny Chesney concert, made many Eagles fans angry at Cooper for having such shitty musical taste.

Vick has since gone on to claim if not for him Cooper’s career would be over. Insistent that the best thing he ever did in his life was save a racist wide receiver’s career, Vick is also claiming ASPCA has the funniest commercials.

“There’s something about seeing a cow hit with a bulldozer that always makes me laugh,” said Vick. “To me, the Sara McClachlan song Angel is like the Benny Hill music. I find it so comedic.”

Vick returns to Philadelphia tonight for the first time since stealing money from the team after having one good season after serving several years in prison for animal abuse. How will the fans react?

Emo Chip Kelly Cuts Himself

chip kelly cut

Before the NFL season can begin, teams have to make their final cuts. Gimmick kickers, former soldiers, and just plain terrible players will all get the pink slip in the next week or so and have their dreams crushed on their way to working at Old Navy.

One surprising cut today was Chip Kelly. After going an entire month without getting a wink on Match.com, Kelly has been more depressed than ever.

“He’s been wearing a lot more black,” said Offensive Coordinator Pat Shurmur. “I’ve also caught him taking selfies in the bathroom then filtering the pictures later. I’m worried he’s turning into an emo teenage girl.”

During yesterday’s practice, Wide Receiver’s Coach Bob Bicknell noticed several cuts around Kelly’s wrists. When he inquired about them, Kelly said he walked through a glass door fist first.

“I didn’t buy his excuse,” said Bicknell. “When I saw Kelly wearing a Joy Division t-shirt I knew he was inflicting the self-harm.”

Several coaches and players have reached out to owner Jeffrey Lurie to have an intervention for Coach Kelly. Lurie, however, is all too familiar with hurting himself. He kept Andy Reid around for 14 years.