In what amounted to a very shocking and rather disturbing series of events, the Philadelphia 76ers spent today in New York City walking around for 10 hours in silence while wearing jeans and crewneck t-shirts. Normally when a professional basketball team does this a lot of people would come up for high-fives and autograph requests. Instead, the team was severely harassed by nearly everyone on the street.
The harassment included everything from quick one-liners to one man following the team for 5 minutes while reminding them how bad they are. Others refrained from even acknowledging the team. Still, there were some who believed they were a D-League organization.
“We did this as a social experiment,” said Coach Brett Brown. “We thought it was important for everyone who watches this video to know the kind of harassment a bad basketball team suffers on a daily basis. This isn’t right. Nobody no matter how bad at their job or how much of a weasel we all are to the fans for losing on purpose, we deserve to be respected!”
Point proven, there was one negative. Because the experiment required ten hours of walking, 2014 First Round Pick Joel Embiid damaged his foot further and will be out until 2017. This somehow fits perfectly into Sam Hinkie’s plan of making the playoffs by 2022.
The days of the Broad Street Bully mentality look to be over in Philadelphia. The Flyers are near the bottom of the league in penalties and by their record, appear to have replaced this thuggish attitude by becoming the doormat of the NHL.
“Nobody on this team is really all that tough,” admitted Captain Claude Giroux. “At practice once we tried to watch the first Paranormal Activity movie. We couldn’t make it through the first 30 minutes because it was so scary. Sean Couturier peed his pants.”
Not completely turning puss, the team still does have a bit of an edge.
“I told my girlfriend that I didn’t want to have Christmas with her family,” said defenseman Michael Del Zotto. “It was a huge move for me. I stood up for myself. She beat me up after, but I’m on my way to becoming a tough guy.”
The lack of penalties committed by the Flyers has been great however Coach Craig Berube would like to toughen them up a little bit more. To do this, he has taken away all Wet Wipes from the locker room and will limit his players to posting a maximum of one picture of their food on Instagram per day. Players will also no longer be allowed to wear pink and the team’s water cooler will be replaced with moonshine.
Like the Beatles did in the 1960s, Ebola has taken America by storm–or cough or bloody semen in bowling balls. However it’s spread, Ebola is here and not going away anytime soon.
The handling of infected patients has been notably horrendous as those with the disease decided the perfect time for traveling around the country was after spending months in the one part of the world where you will probably get the deadly virus.
President Barack Obama has called in the only man he knows of willing to take on a project this terrifying: General Manager of the 76ers Sam Hinkie.
Hinkie became the worst team in the NBA’s GM last year and immediately made his mark. Hinkie hopes to use these same strategies in handling Ebola.
The first move Hinkie made was trading Dr. Craig Spencer, a doctor infected by Ebola, back to Western Africa. In return, the US will receive a second round pick.
Additionally, Hinkie decided to bench Nina Pham and send her away to be quarantined for another week despite showing no signs of having the virus. Pham could contribute a lot to the cause, having been infected, however Hinkie knows this is a problem that cannot be solved for another 3-5 years.
“We are looking big picture here,” said Hinkie in a brief interview he conducted with CNN. “The United States is in a rebuilding process. I don’t see us contending this year. We are looking to build a new culture.”
President Obama refused to admit the US is tanking in order to decrease its population and receive a higher pick in next year’s draft. However with Hinkie in charge, we all know what the real deal is.
Steve Mason may be headed for a new diet. After allowing yet puck past him, the Flyers’ goaltender looked back only to notice how fat his ass has gotten.
“I can’t believe how far I’ve let myself go,” said Mason. “At first I thought it was just the fashionable horizontal striped pants I wear after games. But during the game, I was in black and my ass still looked huuuge.”
According to teammates, Mason had seemed preoccupied since the season began with asking them whether they thought he was fat or not. Most responded politely, letting him know they did not consider him overweight. Others confused him for their wife.
Since discovering all of that junk inside his trunk, Mason has avoided showering after games. Some have speculated this lack of bathing is beginning to affect his play on the ice.
“I’ve noticed he’s stiff out there,” said Flyers’ Goalie Coach Jeff Reese whose job is to basically say ‘stop the puck!’ to the players he coaches. “I think the stiffness is from his sweat drying up on his skin. I’m not a doctor though. I’m a goalie coach and obviously awful at it.”
In the meantime, Mason will wear a more slimming uniform and avoid wearing skinny-pads whenever he takes the ice to avoid feeling insecure. How secure the Flyers will feel with him in net is still yet to be determined.
Former announcer for the Phillies Chris Wheeler testified at a molestation trial hearing earlier this week. A surprise witness that disappointed everyone in attendance, Wheeler was asked to describe where the child had been touched.
“Middle-in,” responded Wheeler.
Unfamiliar with the position of “middle-in” described by Wheeler, the jury was left hung and the judge quit his job after repeated attempts for Wheeler to give a clearer direction, one actually in existence.
“Middle-in is like when it’s in the middle, but on the inner part,” said Wheeler trying to describe the term he first unpopularized as a television commentator for the Phillies.
Unfortunately for the victim Wheeler’s testimony was thrown out due to his lack of being able to give clear and concise direction. The guilty party was freed and according to Wheeler he felt a rough tug on the “middle-in” part of his heart.
Sad news for the future of the Phillies as their top prospect, nobody, dies from nothing.
The non-existent future of the franchise was not spotted passing away suddenly. Despite several years of supposedly good scouting, this top prospect with superstar potential is a pipe dream that does not exist.
“We are completely shaken by the sudden and shocking news,” said Manager Ryne Sandberg who has personally never met a top prospect in the system. “I speak on behalf of the entire organization as I send our deepest condolences to our fan-base.”
Next season the Phillies plan to wear no match to honor the fallen teammate. The Reading Phillies, the team that should have had a top prospect on the roster within the last 3 seasons, plan to retire no numbers in honor of this player who should have been in the minor league system, but never developed thanks to this team’s flimsy care for the future.
The always outspoken Charles Barkley made comments recently about the idea of being “too black” or “not black enough.” Barkley’s stance is that things like this do severe damage to the African-American community and turn them against each other when instead they should be more supportive of the individual.
Meanwhile, white people everywhere are trying to get involved in the topic only to get distracted by all of the eggshells appearing under their feet. Each step they take, more of that crunchy and delicious outer layer of the egg appears on the ground around them. It appears, at least for now, white people will just agree with whatever the majority of the black people around them believe on this issue.