Remember when dying of old age at 13 made life more convenient? Now those pesky doctors are busy finding cures and the average person is living longer than we can tolerate them.
Thankfully, there’s Ebola. Once thought to be a disease people contract from unprotected sex with themselves is now being blamed on footage of the 76ers playing basketball.
“It starts with damaging your eyes,” said Dr. Robert Hamm, a podiatrist from Alaska with a very long yet thin penis. “Then your ears hurt from the amount of whistles you hear from all of the fouls. By the second quarter you’ll feel lethargic and have no will to continue on with your life. That is 76ers basketball. That is Ebola.”
The 76ers have denied these allegations despite multiple people pinky swearing it’s true. More research is needed to official rule anything out. In the meantime, the CDC recommends finding a new basketball team to follow–and so does everyone else.
Going a less traditional route, Eagles’ Head Coach Chip Kelly decided instead of letting his team relax on a bye week he would force them to engage in a bi-week where all players were forced to sleep with their wives and each other.
“Nothing connects a person more than sex,”said Kelly. “I know this because I have no connection to anyone. I do not have sex. I do not need it. I have football.”
Details on who had sex with whom has yet to fully come out. One thing we know for sure is that Darren Sproles is a very popular man in the locker room this week. He can thank/blame his small stature for that.
Dennis Kelly and Brandon Bair have also been spotted holding hands at practice. As two of the tallest players on the team, many are happy to see they found each other.
Coming off being bisexual, the Eagles head to Arizona to play the Cardinals next week. Their defense now familiar on how to pin a man to the ground are hopeful that they can stop Carson Palmer/Kurt Warner/Kevin Kolb/the Skeleton guy/or whoever their quarterback is.
The deal between the Lakewood Blueclaws and Philadelphia Phillies expired this year and already the big league team has found a new and exciting replacement city.
Beginning in the 2015 season, the Phillies will field a Single A team in the fictional Post-Apocalyptic Haven of Terminus.
“I’m a big fan of the Walking Dead,” said General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “It could be because my career is dead and I relate to a lot of the characters, but who knows?”
Before the Terminus Walkers have even thrown their first pitch, there are already pessimistic Phillies fans unsure what to think of the change. From a pop-culture standpoint this is a great idea. Looking at the possible attendance, limited to the population of Terminus, lots of people are questioning when this organization got so dumb.
“Those who arrive survive,” said Mickey Morandini, Manager of the Walkers. “And by that I mean this organization is too cowardice to ever part ways with anyone. You really have a job forever once you get in here.”
The increased usage of tight ends in an NFL offense has made the Eagles come to the conclusion that they too needed a new tight end. In response they have signed Your Mom’s Butt.
Like the recent signing of wider receiver Your Mom’s Vagina, Your Mom’s Butt is something many people are excited see.
“We expect Your Mom’s Butt to get a lot of touches this season,” said Coach Chip Kelly. “Your Mom’s Butt is great on the outside and even better up the middle. What I really like about Your Mom’s Butt is how great it is at blocking and receiving.”
Your Mom’s Butt is a veteran who in recent years has sagged a bit in play. However due to an intense exercise regiment the last few months, Your Mom’s Butt looks stronger than ever.
“I can learn a lot from Your Mom’s Butt,” said tight end Zack Ertz. “It’s got the size a tight end needs without sacrificing power. I can’t wait to see someone try to hit Your Mom’s Butt!”
Larry Bowa came on the radio earlier this week and was asked his opinion of Ryan Howard. After a screaming match with himself, Bowa finally settled down and gave a legitimate quote which has had everyone in Philadelphia talking.
“Howard’s not the player he used to be,” said Bowa. “I see him as an Armenian League Player.”
Bowa was asked if he meant American League, suggesting that Bowa is a forgetful old person and Howard is only capable of being a designated hitter.
Bowa rebuffed, “Yes I mean Armenian. Saying he’s an American League Player implies that he can still hit. He can’t. He belongs in the Armenian League.”
Not one of the most well-known leagues in the world, the Armenian Baseball Asssocation (there was a typo on the original doctrine and they do not have the funds to change it) is a mix of baseball, soccer, and genocide. The players have very little athletic ability and even fewer fingers. They are paid by the owners in being allowed to live.
Clearly Bowa does not want Howard around next season nor does he think very highly of “The Big Piece.” With two years left on his contract as well as a third option year without the option to time travel and never sign him to this huge lengthy contract, the Phillies will have to begin talks with teams in the Armenian Baseball Asssocation as soon as possible. Based on their history of International Scouting, the first step will probably be for the Phillies to learn where Armenia even is.
A big test for the Flyers begins tonight as they head out to take on the Stars in Dallas; a city known for Ebola, the Kennedy Assassination, the Dallas Cowboys, and other horrific things. While some overly cautious and paranoid people may be fearful of contracting Ebola, the Flyers remain optimistic. At 0-2-2 through the first four games of the season with very few good moments other than the clock ticking down to zero, the team is essentially already dead anyway.
After Dallas the Flyers will head over to another city with possible Ebola implications: Monrovia, Liberia. This will be the first game the Flyers play against the Monrovia Minutemen in their inaugural season.
The most controversial team in the NHL due to its location and lack of fan support mostly because famine and no nationwide knowledge of hockey, the Minutemen have done one thing the Flyers haven’t done this season: win a game. Monrovia won their third game of the season when they played the Edmonton Oilers, 3-2. Following the loss the Oilers were quarantined by the United States Government to undergo tests to see what the organization is sick with because clearly they have to be. Several players have mysteriously disappeared, possibly murdered by the government or Carol from The Walking Dead to contain the spread of whatever has killed this team’s spirit.
The Flyers finish their road trip next week against the Pittsburgh Penguins.
The voice of morality and always doing their best effort to help children, Penn State has pulled their offer to allow one of the high school students from Sayreville involved in “Thumbgate” from playing for the team next season. Penn State would hate to ruin their image by having someone with such inexcusable behavior in their locker room. This would be the first time anyone not nominated for sainthood would be involved in team activities.
In a related story, a local pot called the kettle black. People are outraged by the possibly racist observation however there is a Penn State football game later today so everybody will forget about it and cheer their team like lemmings.