Conflicting reports hit the web this week when one reporter said Michael Vick was a douchebag and another said he was a jerk-off. Free agency looming, which is he?
Eagles beat writer Jeff McLane first reported Vick as a douchebag on Monday. That same day, Les Bowen reported that Vick was not a douchebag, rather a complete jerk-off.
Fights between McLane and Bowen go back several years. Friction began when McLane claimed to be related to Die Hard character John McClane despite the difference in spelling and one being a character from a movie portrayed by Bruce Willis. Bowen was angry about the claim, as this is much cooler than sharing a last name with Bowen’s disease, a type of skin carcinoma often found on vaginas and foreskin.
Meanwhile others have reported Vick as a simple piece of shit. All of the claims being tossed around, nobody is quite sure what the possibly soon to be free agent is.
Will the Eagles re-sign Vick? According to McLane they will. According to Bowen they will not and Jeff McClane is a lying son of a bitch.
The least happiest place on earth Guantanamo Bay is reportedly playing 94 WIP for prisoners. They are not running the station 24/7, only forcing the prisoners to listen to the Phillies spring training games which the station has decided to air for whatever reason.
“I know it was cruel when that dyke with the mullet pointed at the one guy’s junk,” said Lt. Adolf Heimenemenemenem. “What we’re doing to these men now–I wouldn’t want to be a terrorist.”
The spring training games are reportedly “so boring to listen to” that many of the prisoners have created makeshift needles to sew their ears shut. During the attempt, most have died a very painful death. It would have been much easier for them to hang themselves, but they went to Terrorist School where the focus is more on blowing things up than reasonable thinking.
“I swore in the name of Allah I would never talk,” said prisoner Al-Jizz Khumsinsideu. “The slow-moving exhibition games though, they have me telling secrets I swore I never would. Anything to get away from this boring drivel. The games don’t even count! I don’t know who these players are.”
This is not the first time the Phillies have been involved in torturing prisoners. When Guantanamo Bay first opened several guards quit when they found out Chris Wheeler was visiting once a month and discussing baseball with the prisoners.
The United Nations has yet to rule on whether or not this punishment goes beyond the Geneva Convention as all member of the United Nations are currently attending the Godiva Convention, the world’s largest chocolate taste-testing carnival.
A few weeks ago Cole Hamels made the announcement that he would be too sick to open the season with the Phillies after several months of doing nothing. Claiming there would be no further setbacks, there was a setback. Hamels will reportedly be out of the lineup even longer due to his arm being too depressed to get out of bed.
“It’s a cruel world,” said Hamels. “This crisis in the Ukraine has my arm really upset and feeling numb. He doesn’t even want to get out of bed other than to use the bathroom or eat.”
Hamels said the same thing happened to his arm after 9/11. A very sensitive arm that gets glued to the television whenever big tragic news hits, Manager Ryne Sandberg is pushing Hamels to motivate his arm to get back to normal.
“I understand what his arm is going through–I played for the Chicago Cubs,” said Sandberg. “His arm isn’t going to get better sitting around in bed all day watching Netflix. The arm needs to find some motivation.”
The sanity of all parties has been called into question due to their referencing an arm as an actual person.
Hamels expects to be back to 80% sometime in May. To replace him in the starting rotation the team plans to put the ball on a tee and allow opposing players to swing off it. This appears to still be a better option than anything else they have.
Fake pilot and closeted homosexual John Travolta has entered the sports world. Following his appearance at the Oscars on Sunday, Travolta was offered the opportunity to do NHL play-by-play. His first assignment was last night’s game between the Flyers and Washington Capitals.
Midway through the first period Travolta began to sweat. This was thought to be due to his weight. However, only a few minutes into the second period it became apparent that it had more to do with all of the French-Canadian and European players participating in the game.
On the Flyers Travolta struggled with the names Claude Giroux, Jakub Voracek, and Kimmo Timonen. When mentioning the trade from earlier in the day he had his first aneurysm when he had to pronounce Andrej Meszaros.
Whenever many of the Capitals players touched the puck, Travolta tried to remain silent. Alexander Ovechkin, Wojtek Wolski, and even Tom Wilson caused Travolta’s tongue to twist around until finally he choked on it and died.
Travolta’s time as an NHL commentary may have been short-lived, but at least it wasn’t Chris Wheeler.
Following this week’s release of wide receiver Jason Avant, General Manager Howie Roseman publicly announced his confidence in the current wide receiving core.
“These guys are veterans at this point,” said Roseman. “They’re not selfish, injury-prone, or racist.”
Coach Chip Kelly has also expressed how excited he is to enter the 2014 season with the combination of DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, and Riley Cooper.
“We may have lost [Avant], but what we have is still strong,” Kelly said. “All three of these guys are a good example for the younger players on the team and on the league on how to behave off the field, how to not get injured, and how to behave off the field.”
A possibility still remains that the team may add another new face. The only thing stopping them is that any new wide receivers will probably be turned off by Jackson’s arrogance, Cooper’s racism, and if clumsy enough may step on Maclin’s foot and give him a concussion.
Everybody’s favorite joyful holiday has arrived, Lent. A holiday that begins with putting dirt on your forehead and ends with putting a Cadbury Egg in your tummy, Lent is a favorite of everyone.
The 76ers are not sinners and will be participating in the Lent celebration. This year instead of giving up Facebook, sugar, or touching their junk the team plans to give up winning.
“Is this really something they are doing for Lent or are they just a shitty basketball team?” asked Jesus Christ, the person Lent is supposed to honor.
Christ raises a valid point. The 76ers have been losing all season long. How is losing during Lent any different from losing during an equally as fun holiday like Ramadan?
As many of us know, Christ gave up everything for 40 days at a period in history when there wasn’t much to give up in the first place. Then he died for our sins and to say sorry we stop playing video games for a few days.
“Am I pleased to see so many people giving up thins they enjoy in my name? I don’t really care,” Christ said. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Taking Christ’s words to heart, I plan on sexually assaulting attractive women.
Coming off the game-winning goal Sunday against the Washington Capitals, fans 14 and under attending tonight’s Flyers game against the Washington Capitals are in for a treat. When they enter the Wells Fargo Center they will be handed an invisible replica of a game-used Vincent Lecavalier hockey stick exactly like the ones he uses on the ice, completely useless!
Lecavalier, a former goal-scorer many years ago, came to the Flyers this season when they had salary space after amnestying Daniel Briere. Briere now plays for the Montreal Canadiens, the only team in the league that consistently spells their nickname incorrectly. Both Briere and Lecavalier have put up similar pathetic numbers in the 2013-2014 season. Only their families are happy about this as retirement appears a likely option sooner rather than later.
Since coming to the Flyers, Lecavalier’s invisible stick play has gained quite a bit of attention around the league. How can a man who has played so poorly in recent years get such a big contract to continue it in a new city?
The Flyers do want to keep Lecavalier for the extent of his contract. The former left-handed shooting forward turned never-handed shooter could still make an impact in the playoffs thanks to his size which has less to do with muscle-mass and more to do with being old and no longer caring about looking aesthetically pleasing.