Ruben Amaro Jr. Fired….Up About Another Season of Phillies’ Baseball!

amaro smile

Pat Gillick is back with the Phillies and eager to change nothing!

A contract renewal for Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. has secured him for at least the next 10 years. Amaro Jr.’s brand of declining baseball, otherwise known as comfortable for people who don’t like surprises, will continue in Philadelphia.

“This is a great moment for us all,” said Amaro Jr. referring to him and his family because no one else wants him here anymore. “It may take a few decades, but I plan to make this team a contender again.”

Amaro Jr. appeared fired up about the new season and those to follow.

“We’re going to start doing this differently next year,” said Amaro Jr. “First, we’re not going to be one of those teams with a lot of rookie losers. We’re going to bring in as many former champions as we can. Experience is important for a winning franchise. Believe me, I watched from a distance when the team won in 2008.”

Jonathan Papelbon’s “Lewd Gesture” Actually a Greeting in Some Cultures

Jonathan Papelbon

Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon was suspended for 7 useless games earlier this week for a lewd gesture which included grabbing his crotch and having a puffy racist face. While in America this is seen as obscene, in some cultures it’s actually a friendly greeting.

“I spent several years of my youth helping out indigenous people in Northern Africa,” said Papelbon in defense of squeezing his junk. “Grabbing my crotch was paying homage to them. It’s like when Carol Burnett would tug on her ear–only these people tug on their genitals.”

Papelbon didn’t appeal the suspension because as he put it, “No one would understand the Papelbonian Tribe of Northern Africa.”

The more we learn about this tribe, the more we suspect Papelbon is making it up. This became even more evident when a copy of Krippendorf’s Tribe was seen in his Netflix queue.

Whether they’re real or not, the United States plans to invite the territory the Papelbonians live in and bomb the shit out of it–just in case.

Claude Giroux Suffers Lower-Body Injury – Probably His Butt

Claude-Giroux-Undergoes-Surgery-After-Golf-Injury

Finally, some exciting news from the Flyers!

At the team’s first practice of the preseason, Captain Claude Giroux suffered a very unspecific lower-body injury. Based on his most recent arrest which involved grabbing the ass of a male police officer, we can only assume karma has come back to pinch Giroux in the posterior.

The team has remained silent on the exact location or type of injury. They have admitted he will be out for two cheeks….errr two weeks. He should be available to return on opening gay…errr opening day.

The 2014 season for the Flyers begins on October 8th when they will lose to the Bruins in Boston.

Eagles Sign Giant Python to Compete for Long Snapper Position

long snappers

So far in his life, everything for Jon Dorenbos has been long. He’s had a long career, a long relationship with his wife, and even takes his time when eating meals to make them as long as possible. Now with Chip Kelly as the head coach though, the team is looking to find someone, or in this case something, even longer.

Today the Eagles went out and surprised everyone by signing a giant python to compete for the role as the team’s long snapper. Both long and able to snap, Dorenbos finally has some competition.

“I welcome it,” said Dorenbos about having to actually compete for his job this season. “Now I know what it feels like to be a telemarketer and see an Indian person willing to do my job for 500% less of the pay. This python is getting his salary in live rats.”

Many continue to believe Dorenbos’s job is not in jeopardy. This belief comes mostly from the fact that snakes do not have legs to snap the ball between.

“I know that!” said Coach Kelly angrily when pointed out to him how snakes are absent of legs. “We’re nontraditional though. We’re going to do things a new way and if I want a snake snapping the ball then we can make it work until we have to play a pressure game in the playoffs.”

Philadelphia Union Lose in Championship Game – People Feeling No Different

philly union

After a very bad season of Phillies baseball and the Eagles getting back on the field, Philadelphia’s soccer team the Union played in the championship game sometime in the recent history of the world. They lost and people are feeling pretty much the same.

“We have a soccer team?” asked one person who heard about the news.

“I’m more of a sitting in a dark room and doing nothing kind of person,” said another.

Soccer may not be as popular in the United States as it is other places; particularly Philadelphia where we have so many other teams to help let us down. It’s still a bit of a shock to see how little effect a championship loss can have on such a big town. Had the Union been a 5th place little league team, they would have had this city by the balls.

Anyway, congratulations to the Union on being the first loser!

Helen Keller Used as Defensive Replacement for Cody Asche

hellen keller

Legendary mute Helen Keller is getting a lot more playing time with the Phillies after Manager Ryne Sandberg decided to start using her at third base as a late inning replacement for Cody Asche. Asche’s defense has not been what the team needs so they are turning to Keller for some support.

“Yes I know she’s deaf and blind,” said Sandberg when asked about the decision. “I’m also well aware that she’s dead. So what? Have you seen Asche field a groundball? Tell me which one you’d rather have.”

Asche has remained positive though as he will continue to get the majority of the starts.

“I know my role on this team and I know [Keller's],” Asche said. “I just want what’s best for the team. If taking me out in the 8th inning to put a woman who can’t even see there helps us win then I’ll gladly accept it.”

So far in 1 game at third base Keller has committed one error when the ball was amazingly hit directly at her and caromed off her chin for an inside-the-park home run.