Flyers Looking Ugly in the Playoffs – Cannot Get a Prom Date

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Look at all of those over-tanned teenage girls. Unless there was a nuclear fallout it must be prom season.

Possibly not going to prom this year are the Philadelphia Flyers. No, they don’t have other plans. The team is just too embarrassed to go alone. Their poor performance in the playoffs so far this postseason has been ugly and not even the fat girl with the glass eye is willing to go with them.

“This isn’t the movies,” said Coach Craig Berube. “Freddie Prinze Jr. isn’t going to come in here, help give us a makeover, and everything will be good. We have to play better defense. Our problems cannot be solved by removing our glasses and letting our hair down.”

Berube speaks from experience as “Take off your glasses and let down your hair” was the the slogan of the 1987 Flyers who lost to the Edmonton Oilers.

Going to prom stag is nothing new for ugly people. However the team believes it better not to go at all then to admit you will probably die alone.

Will they remain homely or will they turn things around in Game 4?

It depends on the team’s inner beauty and whether or not they are willing to accept someone chasing them down at an airport.

Riley Cooper Offers His Opinion on the Goalie Controversy in Philadelphia

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The always opinionated and often inebriated wide receiver of the Philadelphia Eagles Riley Cooper has publicly come out to offer his opinion on the current goalie controversy the Flyers are going through. After an upper body injury (ingrown hair inside his nose) to Steve Mason kept him out of the lineup for several games, Coach Craig Berube turned to Ray Emery to lead the team in net. Now that Mason is healed a decision has to be made.

“The way I see it there’s only way direction to go in,” Cooper said. “You have to put Emery in net.”

Shocking everyone with his support of African-Americans, Cooper pledged allegiance to Team Emery which is the equivalence of being on Team Edward, a little gay.

Cooper continued, “Black athletes are designed differently than the white ones. The weather is heating up and I think Emery will be able to handle it better than Mason. His ancestors were used to being out in the fields.”

Sounding like the Riley Cooper we have all come to feel uncomfortable around, he was beginning to dig himself into a deep hole.

“Yes, Emery has been showing up late in games, but he’s black! We have to expect that kind of stuff. He’s there in the third period though and this is when a goalie needs to be at his best.”

Cooper later issued a half-hearted apology to the black community. In hopes to mend fences further he has agreed to donate a watermelon to an impoverished black family for each catch he makes next season.

Steve Mason Plans to be Ready for Game 3 – Switzerland Plans to be Ready to Defend the Western World from Nazis

Steve Mason

Goaltender Steve Mason who has been recovering from an upper body injury (swimmer’s ear) told reporters today that he plans to be ready for Game 3. Filling in for him has been Ray Emery. Emery’s performance has been poor leading many to wonder if they would have been better off with a taco in net.

Unfortunately for the Flyers Mason’s return might be too little too late.

Meanwhile in Europe, Switzerland has promised to help protect the Western World from the Nazi invasion. Until now the Swedes have kept a neutral stance, instead focusing on chocolate making and staring at mountains.

Unfortunately for the Swedes the war ended 70 years ago and now they just look like jackasses for letting the Nazis safely march by.

After Finishing Breaking Bad, Howie Roseman Considered Trading DeSean Jackson to Belize

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All of Howie Roseman’s friends were talking about and it wasn’t until after the season finale he decided to jump on the bandwagon.

I am of course talking about the groundbreaking drama Breaking Bad, not winning in the playoffs.

For the last two years it has been impossible to have a conversation with a white guy in his 20s without the show being brought up. Roseman had finally caught up with the show this offseason and had an epiphany; he was going to trade DeSean Jackson to Belize.

“[Jackson] had become a nuisance in the locker room,” Roseman said. “Something had to be done and sending him to Belize would have solved the problem.”

The support of Coach Chip Kelly and team lawyer Saul Goodman, trade talks began. They quickly diminished when Roseman discovered Jackson’s gang connections. Another thing he learned from Breaking Bad, don’t make enemies with someone with a lot of friends.

“Trading Jackson to Belize would have meant another season of his cousins coming after me and then eventually [Kelly] and I would be at each other’s throats,” Roseman said. “He’s already always calling me a bitch so our character roles are already pretty much set.”

Flyers Spend Saturday Night at Abuse Counseling

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Following the abuse that happened on Thursday night at the hands of the New York Rangers, the entire Flyers team decided to forego their macho belief system and seek out counseling.

The inexperienced Jason Akeson notably was the most upset as his double minor high-sticking penalty cost the game. He has gone through 11 tissue boxes since the post-game, and only one of those was used for masturbation and killing spider purposes. The rest, shedding tears.

As a team the Flyers all joined an anonymous support group for other victims of abuse.

“I really hope the other members of the group helped out,” said anonymous group member Nancy Pataki who is still trying to forget about the night she witnessed her twin sister murder an infant using another infant as the weapon. “I know how important this game is to them on Sunday and through verbalizing our issues we help to move on in life.”

It should be noted that Pataki has been going to the same support group for 42 years and has not gotten any better.

A dazed Steve Mason did make an appearance. Mason is still suffering from an upper body injury. Since his hips are higher than the average person and there is literally only 2 inches between his pelvis and shoulders, nobody is quite sure what he is suffering through.

Game 2 takes place today after two days off because NBC wanted ratings which equals money which equals a more expensive yacht for chairman Robert Greenblatt.

Phillies’ Bench So Bad Local Homeless Man Refuses to Sleep on It

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Now homeless war veteran James Dalton, who fought valiantly in the Iraqi War for Iraq after turning on his country, undergoes a nightly task many of us could never imagine. Homeless, Dalton has to search for a bed each night. Preferring benches to cardboard boxes because he’s an upper class member of the homeless community, Dalton had hoped the Phillies’ 2014 bench could be somewhere for him to sleep at night. Upon brief examination Dalton sees this bench as something even he wouldn’t lie on.

“I’ve slept on a lot of gross things but never anything this disgusting,” Dalton said. “I once made a bed out of used condoms and I would prefer that to the 2014 bench.”

The first hint that the team’s bench would be poor was when Bobby Abreu had a legitimate chance at making the team. Unlike the starting lineup that consists mostly of aged veterans whose better days are behind them, the bench will feature players whose crowning achievement is a AAA All-Star Game appearance.

General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. has stated publicly that he does plan to add some depth to the bench at some point this season. However, the depth he plans to add is not in baseball skill but rather in actual measurement.

“Our players are getting fatter and a few extra inches on the bench to accommodate their girth will go a long way,” Amaro Jr. said.

No permanent place to sleep at night, Dalton can be found rudely asking people for change with a made-up story about his mother dying in a hospital.

Sixers Have Successful Game 1 of the Playoffs – Managed to Score Tickets to Flyers Game 1

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Nobody thought the Philadelphia 76ers would make the playoffs this season. Nobody was right!

The 76ers finished this season with a barely legal win total of 19. But unlike those sweet girls in Barely Legal magazine, the team is not giving up all hope. Game 1 of the Philadelphia Flyers vs. the New York Rangers can be considered a victory for the Sixers as the team managed to score tickets to the game.

“We were sitting so close it was like actually being involved in a legitimate sporting match,” said Michael Carter-Williams. Then added, “Yes, I say sporting match.”

“This is the closest I have ever been to real athletes,” added Thaddeus Young.

Tickets for the entire roster were purchased using the unused salary cap money that will not be used at least for another 2 years when the team can actually compete for an eight-seed. It has still yet to be determined whether or not the 76ers will aim to go to Game 2. If they do, they might leave the game before the third period.