Michael Vick Claims He Saved Riley Cooper’s Career – Also Insists ASPCA Commercials Are Hilarious

Philadelphia Eagles v Atlanta Falcons

Former Eagles quarterback Michael Vick might be wearing New York Jets’ green this season, but he continues to remind us all that he spent some time in Philadelphia.

Vick has been outspokenly upset in recent days about the lack of text messages he has received from former teammate Riley Cooper after Vick congratulated him on his new contract. Cooper has since replied, stating the texts went to a separate folder in the back of his message log. Cooper claims this is because three years ago he made the mistake of downloading a Jim Crowe App.

“I was hurt that I didn’t get a response because I feel like I defended [Cooper] after the Kenny Chesney concert incident,” said Vick.

This incident, showing up at Kenny Chesney concert, made many Eagles fans angry at Cooper for having such shitty musical taste.

Vick has since gone on to claim if not for him Cooper’s career would be over. Insistent that the best thing he ever did in his life was save a racist wide receiver’s career, Vick is also claiming ASPCA has the funniest commercials.

“There’s something about seeing a cow hit with a bulldozer that always makes me laugh,” said Vick. “To me, the Sara McClachlan song Angel is like the Benny Hill music. I find it so comedic.”

Vick returns to Philadelphia tonight for the first time since stealing money from the team after having one good season after serving several years in prison for animal abuse. How will the fans react?

Emo Chip Kelly Cuts Himself

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Before the NFL season can begin, teams have to make their final cuts. Gimmick kickers, former soldiers, and just plain terrible players will all get the pink slip in the next week or so and have their dreams crushed on their way to working at Old Navy.

One surprising cut today was Chip Kelly. After going an entire month without getting a wink on Match.com, Kelly has been more depressed than ever.

“He’s been wearing a lot more black,” said Offensive Coordinator Pat Shurmur. “I’ve also caught him taking selfies in the bathroom then filtering the pictures later. I’m worried he’s turning into an emo teenage girl.”

During yesterday’s practice, Wide Receiver’s Coach Bob Bicknell noticed several cuts around Kelly’s wrists. When he inquired about them, Kelly said he walked through a glass door fist first.

“I didn’t buy his excuse,” said Bicknell. “When I saw Kelly wearing a Joy Division t-shirt I knew he was inflicting the self-harm.”

Several coaches and players have reached out to owner Jeffrey Lurie to have an intervention for Coach Kelly. Lurie, however, is all too familiar with hurting himself. He kept Andy Reid around for 14 years.

Philadelphia Holds Parade for Losing Taney Dragons

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Earlier today, the city of Philadelphia held a parade for third place finishing Taney Dragons. The Dragons, who captivated sports fans old and pedophilic, may not have won the Little League World Series but they certainly stole our precious time paying attention to them.

The parade was as festive as expected. Other third place finishers throughout history like Ross Perot, Japan in WWII, and the third Back to the Future film were in attendance. Citizens throughout Philadelphia were delighted to see their tax dollars put to good use as fewer police officers were available to prevent crime in the more dangerous neighborhoods during the parade.

Tonight the celebration continues as the Phillies will honor the little league team at their game. Attendance numbers are expected to triple from the usual 6 fans on attendance to somewhere approaching 20.

Spoiled Rich Texan Johnny Manziel Perfect Match for Hardworking Blue Collar City Like Cleveland

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The city of Cleveland has a lot to be excited about. First, LeBron James is back and the NBA is doing everything they can to make sure he becomes the good guy. Reportedly James Cameron has been hired to help out since he managed to it with Arnold Schwarzenegger from the first to the second Terminator movie. Cleveland can also be excited about the new Jim Thome statue. The time it takes to destroy this artifact will save at least a few homes from being burglarized.

Finally, and most important, Cleveland can get their nipples hard for the rookie season of Johnny “Foosball” Manziel. A spoiled rich Texan who hasn’t worked a day in his life will be representing a hardworking blue collar city where at least one person in every room is missing a limb or has a burn mark on their face from a construction site accident.

For what feels like a million years when it actuality it has only been 999,999 — the Cleveland Browns have been one of the worst franchises in sports. The arrival of Manziel could change things for a city desperate for a championship and a lower crime rate.

A noted party-boy, Cleveland fans have to hope he doesn’t get too entrenched in the popular Cleveland Club Scene. If he can manage this, there’s no telling how many games the team can win! They may even reach 3.

If Orange is the New Black, What Color are the Flyers?

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Among the important things this offseason for the Flyers is their color scheme. It’s already been admitted that some intern once wanted them to be teal and thankfully that person died under mysterious circumstances when the Fashion Police got involved. There is however one thing still weighing on the minds of the team and fans: if orange is the new black, what color are the Flyers?

For the longest time the Flyers have been known as orange and black. Now though, should we refer to them as black and orange?

“Black and orange reminds me of a rotten piece of honeydew,” said Kimmo Timmonen who according to the team encyclopedia enjoys honeydews because they help clear out his old man system.

“You probably don’t know this about me but I’m big on tradition and not making any changes,” said Flyers Owner Dan Snyder. “Or maybe you do know it because you have paid attention to anything I have ever done. I prefer to refer to the team as orange and black. I don’t care what these Netflix Original Series say. Our team is the way it always was and we ain’t changing for nobody!”

Of course this color switch goes beyond the Flyers and sports in general.

“So am I an orangeman now?” asked Wayne Simmonds. “I didn’t go to Syracuse. I’m so damn confused!”

Whatever you call it, the Flyers are ready for a hard-hitting season of the same old brand of three-seed hockey.

Union Fan Dies After Falling Asleep at the Wheel While Listening to Soccer Game

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Sad news from West Chester as Union fan Jason Krauss was found dead on the side of the road with his body brutally mangled following a car crash. Paramedics who arrived at the scene reported that Krauss had been listening to the Philadelphia Union game on the radio when he fell asleep at the wheel.

“He had gotten a full night sleep,” said Krauss’s wife Eva. “It was in the middle of the afternoon. The game must have been SOOOOO boring if he managed to fall asleep during it.”

Following the news, insomniacs all over the Delaware Valley have become soccer fans. They are reporting that they are now finally able to sleep.

“It’s nice to know my lover’s horrible untimely death did some good,” said Krauss’s mistress Dana. “If only his slut wife could have been in the car with him it would have been perfect.”

The Union plan to hold a pregame ceremony to honor Krauss. Members of the local police department will be there for a one gun salute. They had originally planned to shoot off 21 bullets, but someone reminded them there’s never that many shots in soccer.

Phillies Continue Their Struggle with Making Contact with Extraterrestrials

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Even with added time in the batting cages and a giant satellite dish sending out signals into space, the Philadelphia Phillies have continued this season to make contact with extraterrestrials.

“We had a plan in mind for this season and we failed,” said General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “To be fair, no one has ever made contact with alien life. We still believed we could because we lie a lot like that.”

The approach the Phillies have taken all season long could be a reason behind the lack of discovering intelligent life in outer space. Free swingers who walk less than Christopher Reeve on a lazy Sunday afternoon after leg day at the gym, the team will remain hopeful that there is something out there.

“There’s always next season,” said Ryan Howard. “Maybe then we will finally be able to hit off a friendship with an alien species. All we need to remember is to remain patient. I’m very patient. My house is taking 3 hours to be built. Would you want to be me and have to wait 3 years for your house to be built? You have a better life than me.”